


be my shelter

by Ravens_World



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2020-11-26 23:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 43,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20938316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravens_World/pseuds/Ravens_World
Summary: "Mom, where are you gonna go?" He sounded like a little kid to his own ears, and it felt like he was six years old again, watching his mother pack her things into a suitcase and begging her to stay."Buck had been running from his past for what seemed like forever, and it finally caught up to him.





	1. Stay

**Author's Note:**

> New fic!!
> 
> Here is the promised Buck+Maddie backstory I talked about. There may be a few things changed from Cannon along the way, but it won't be anything major (hopefully) so I hope you enjoy!

  
_Don't forget your date today! 7 PM, don't you dare be late._

  
Buck rolled his eyes as he read his sister's text. She'd been trying to set him up on dates for three weeks now, and it was such a painfully awkward process for everyone involved that he was surprised she was even still trying. In the past week alone, he'd gone on three dates, each one worse than the one before. He'd tried to reason with her, but so far, he'd had no luck.

  
He finished buttoning up his shirt, grabbed his keys and wallet and headed downstairs. He really needed to buy some groceries before he started work, and since there was still two hours before he had to be at Maddie's, he decided to kill the time by getting it done before the date.

Just as he reached the landing, there were three successive quick knocks, followed by the ringing of the doorbell three times. Buck frowned and went to open the door. "I'm coming, I'm coming! Where's the fucking fire?" He hollered, wrenching the door open. Every part of him froze, and he could do nothing but stare at the woman in front of him. He never thought he'd see her again after the last time, so her being here was a shock to the system.

"Mom?" He whispered.

"Hi, baby."

She moved closer, as if to get in, and Buck blocked her way. Now that he was over his shock, the only thing he could feel was anger.

His mother raised an eyebrow, not phased. He hated that about her; was never affected by anything he did or said. 

"You're not gonna let me in?"

"What do you want?" He asked, then barked out a harsh laugh. "I'm sorry, let me rephrase that, how _much_ do you want?"

She shook her head. "Evan, baby, I didn't come back for-"

He scoffed, shaking his head. "Of course you did! It's what you always come back for."

Her eyes softened and she shook her head in denial. "I know I messed up a lot in the past, but I'm better now, Evan. I'm clean, I'm sober and I just wanted to see you."

He hesitated, and though he told himself not to trust her, not to let her manipulate him like she always did, he gave in. He opened the door wide and let her in before locking it.

"Wow, look at this place. How can you afford it on a firefighter's salary?" She turned from where she was inspecting the contents of his fridge, then straightened up with a grin, and pointed a finger at him. "You used your daddy's money, didn't you?"

He didn't answer, but his silence must have been enough for her, because she laughed mockingly. His face flushed, and Buck cursed himself for allowing her to make him feel small, like she always did. "I remember the last time I came to visit-" he rolled his eyes. His mother's definition of visit was to come into his life, manipulate him into giving her what little money he had, and then leave again. "- and you were living in this one bedroom apartment with this beautiful boy-"

"-who you slept with," he interjected, glaring at her.

She waved him off. "-and I asked why you were living there and not your own house since you can afford to buy one, or ten. You remember what you said to me?"

He clenched his jaw, and looked away from her piercing eyes.

"You told me that you were never using his money, that you didn't need him. Well, look at you now!" She exclaimed with a laugh that made his skin crawl.

"At least it's mine, and I'm not going around practically begging people for money," he told her with gritted teeth.

She shrugged. "It was just an observation, Evan, relax."

He laughed bitterly. The thing that infuriated him about his mother was that she knew exactly which buttons to push to make him angry. She would sometimes get this glint in her eyes that made it seem like she fed off on his anger. "Keep your observations to yourself," he hissed at her. "Are you gonna tell me why you came back here?"

"I told you; I'm just here to see you, to apologize."

He spread his arms wide and smiled a big, fake smile. "Well, you've seen me, and I know you're incapable of actually apologizing, so why don't you just crawl back into whatever hole you came out of, and leave me alone?"

She was taken aback, he could tell, but he didn't care enough to actually apologize to her. She'd done worse and she never did.

  
"I have nowhere to go. I thought maybe I could stay with you for a little while."

Buck started at her in disbelief and his mouth hung open. "You're serious? You're actually serious?" When she nodded, he started to laugh. He was laughing so hard he had to actually sit down on the couch to keep from falling over. "Oh, man, you're actually serious."

He could tell she was starting to get annoyed by his reaction, and it gave him a vindicative satisfaction to know that he got under her skin. His doorbell rang again, and he loked st his mom suspiciously.

She raised her hands in mock surrender. "Don't look at me."

When he opened the door, he was shocked to see Eddie and Christopher with matching grins on their faces, and then he unconsciously relaxed. Just seeing them made him momentarily forget all about his anger.

"Hey," Eddie said, crooked smile still in place. "We're here to take you out to celebrate!"

Buck grinned. The past six months had been a grueling mix of light physical therapy and doctor visits and worrying about whether or not he'd be able to get back to work. But it had also meant seeing a lot more of Eddie and Christopher. Movie nights on weekends had become a regular thing, and Buck could not have been happier. And even though going back to work and not having as much time to see Christopher as before was a downside, Buck knew that going back to work probably saved his life. He'd been so lost with nothing to do but sit at home. Eddie and Christopher, and the whole team but to a lesser extent, had been a godsend. Eddie had encouraged him to work toward qualification, and he was so grateful to him for that. He'd gotten a clear bill of health and had requalified just last week, and tomorrow was supposed to be his first day back on the job. He was excited, but also incredibly nervous since there was a new member on the team, and she was to stay on even after he came back. 

"You're not gonna let us in?" Eddie asked with a laugh.

Buck smiled nervously. "Maybe you guys can wait for me in the car?"

Eddie's demeanor changed, and he became a bit more tense. "Are we interrupting something?"

Buck's eyes widened. "_No!_ No, Eddie. It's just-"

"Who's that, Evan?" His mom asked as she came to stand beside him. She eyed Eddie up and down in a suggestive way that made his skin crawl.

"Who's Evan?" Chris, asked, confused.

Eddie smiled tightly. "I see you're busy, we'll get out of your hair."

"Eddie-"

He shook his head, not giving him a chance to explain. "It's fine, Buck. Another time."

Buck saw Christopher pout slightly. "But, dad, I thought were hanging out with Buck today."

Buck cleared his throat. "We are, Chris." He turned to his mother and glared. She smiled, amused, before she went up to Eddie and extended her hand.

"I'm Elaine, Evan's mother."

Eddie's mouth hung open in surprise, and he smiled. "Oh! Hi, I'm Eddie, Buck's friend, and this is Christopher, my son."

She turned to him and lifted an eyebrow, her smile sly. "Friend, huh?"

Buck panicked and stepped outside, taking her by the shoulders and dragging her inside.

"Nice to meet you, Eddie and Christopher!" She called back with a wave. Buck rolled his eyes, and steered her toward the couch. "You will sit here, and you won't touch anything of mine, alright? I'll be back late."

She laughed. "I bet you will."

His face hardened, and she stopped laughing. "You don't talk about this, you hear me?"

"He doesn't know, huh?"

Buck pursed his lips. "It's none of your business."

"Hey, I'm just saying. You better snatch him up fast before it's too late."

He threw his hands up in defeat and stalked out. "Don"t burn the house down, will you?" He shouted just before he left.

He got in the car with Eddie, and immediately turned around and extended his hand to Christopher, who pumped his fist with his smaller one. "How are you doing, kiddo?"

"I'm good!"

Buck grinned and then turned to Eddie. "Hey, you. Sorry about that back there. My mom is-"

Eddie shook his head. "It's all good, man."

Buck nodded. "So, where are we going?"He asked, excited.

"Lunch first, then the movies," Eddie told him. "I know it's not much-"

Buck interrupted him. "Are you kidding me?! You got me out of a stupid blind date and I get to spend all day today with my favorite person!" He turned to Christopher. "That's you," he pretended to whisper.

Eddie scoffed in mock offense. "And what am I, huh? Chopped liver?"

Buck just shrugged and made a dismissive sound. Christopher laughed, and Buck grinned at Eddie, who just rolled his eyes.

"Hey, seriously, thanks for this," he told Eddie with a small smile. He returned it and squeezed his shoulder.

"We wanted to do something for you, and we figured no party this time."

Buck chuckled. "Yeah, that's for the best."

* * *

"Eddie!"

They both turned to see an old woman with a kind smile headed their way.

"Hi, Bonnie."

She came over and hugged him tightly, then did the same to Christopher. "I missed you two. You haven't been coming here as much lately," she told him with her hands on her hips.

"I'm sorry, I know, I'll be better about it." He put a hand on Buck's shoulder. "Bonnie, this is Buck."

Her face softened and when he extended his hand to her, she looked at it disapprovingly and batted it away, pulling him in for a quick hug. He was startled but went with it, hugging her back.

She pointed them to a table, and they sat down. Eddie ordered for them all, and Christopher busied himself with a crossword puzzle. The kid was crazy good and the few times he was stuck on one, he asked them for help. Buck was the one who almost always got it right, and he could tell Eddie was a bit surprised. He smiled smugly, and continued to help Chris, occasionally looking up at Eddie. Eddie was watching them everytime Buck did look up, and he always had a weird look that Buck couldn't decipher on his face.

When the food arrived, Christopher put away the puzzle and waited patiently until his burger and fries were put in front of him. He'd opted to sit next to Buck, and though he knew it wasn't that big of a deal because Christopher liked everyone, he was secretly pleased that the kid seemed to like him so much. After he made sure Christopher was eating, Buck took a bite of his burger and groaned.

Eddie coughed, choking on his food. Buck was halfway out of his chair when Eddie waved him off. "You sure you're okay?"

Eddie just nodded, coughing. Buck settled down in his chair, and Eddie smiled indulgently. "Fine. Just went down the wrong pipe."

"Okay. Man, here," He poured him a glass of water and put it in front of him. Eddie nodded his thanks and Buck continued eating after he made sure he was okay. "God, this is the best burger I've ever tasted."

"I could tell," Eddie muttered.

Buck frowned. "Huh?"

"Oh, nothing."

  
.

  
After they ate their lunch, they bid Bonnie farewell, but not before they promised to come again.

"All of you," she emphasized, looking at Buck, who grinned at her and nodded.

Buck rubbed his hands together. "Where to now?"

"There's a park close to the movie theater, I was thinking we could go there. You remember it, Chris, right?"

Christopher nodded. "I fed the ducks."

Buck grinned. "That sounds fun! Alright, let's go then."

The drive to the park was fun, because he Christopher and Eddie played I spy the whole way there. He ignored the memories it brought up, and focused on the now.

"I spy with my little eye... a plane!" Christopher shouted. It never failed to make Buck and Eddie laugh, even though he'd done it for the past three turns. They'd given up on trying to get him to follow the rules and played along.

When they got to the park, Eddie stopped at the entrance. "I'll go grab something to feed the ducks, you guys go ahead."

Buck nodded and put a hand on Christopher's head, then ruffled his hair. "Let's go, Christopher."

Eddie watched them for a few seconds, and just as he turned, a little boy bumped into his legs. Eddie helped the boy up, and was about to ask where his parents were when he was interrupted.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry!" A young woman, most likely the kid's mother, came to a stop in front of them. Eddie watched in amusement as clutched her right side and struggled to breathe, glaring at the little boy, who seemed to be laughing at her.

"Jesus, I am never having kids," she muttered quietly. So, not the kid's mother then. "Sorry again about this. I don't know how my sister does this alone every day without going crazy. "It was a bit hard to keep up with her since she was talking a mile a minute, but Eddie nodded with a smile. He was just about to bid them farewell, when she spoke again. "You're lucky, though. You two can tag team yours. You have a beautiful family, by the way," She said with a nod to where Buck and Chris were. He went to correct her but couldn't get himself to, so he just smiled and nodded.

"Thank you."

He crouched down so he was on eye level with the boy, and grinned. "Go easy on your aunt."

She snorted. "That'll happen," she said sarcastically, one of her hands ruffling the boy's hair.

The little boy suddenly took off and she closed her eyes, and looked heavenward. "Why?!"

Then, with a rushed goodbye and another apology, she went off after him. Eddie laughed quietly, and glanced at where Buck and Christopher were. Buck was saying something, a breathtaking grin on his face, and was gesturing wildly with his hands. His son was enamored, looking up at Buck with a huge smile. There were moments when Eddie was able to fool himself into thinking he was content with the status quo, but there were others, like this one, when he wanted nothing more than to turn off his brain and just go up to Buck and pour his heart out to him. He was one of the most genuine people Eddie had ever known; he was kind and generous and Eddie was so far gone he didn't know if there was a way back from this, and when Eddie was being honest with himself, he knew he didn't really want to find one.

He breathed in deeply and had to force himself to look away from them and go buy the duck food.

.

"Hey you two!" Eddie called out, coming closer.

Buck straightened up from his crouch beside a sitting Christopher and turned to him. He threw his hands up in the air. "What took you so long?"

Eddie rolled his eyes. "I was gone for ten minutes, tops."

Buck shook his head. "It was definitely more than ten." He nudged Christopher's shoulder gently. "Back me up here, Chris."

Christopher nodded seriously. "You were really late, dad."

Eddie clutched his chest in mock offense. "Betrayed by my own son," he exclaimed and quickly crossed the distance between him and Christopher, tickling the boy. Eddie grinned as his son giggled uncontrollably, and looked up to see Buck watching them with a soft, fond look. Eddie averted his gaze quickly, afraid he might give himself away if he kept looking at him, and presented Chris with the special duck pellets he'd found. Chris immediately tore open the package and started feeding the three ducks in the small pond. He and Buck stood side by side and watched the little boy in comfortable silence.

Eddie loved every minute of it.

"We used to feed them bread, but he read somewhere how ducks shouldn't be fed bread and now he has me buying it everytime we come here."

Buck chuckled. "He is something else."

"Yeah, he is" Eddie looked down and took a deep breath. "I'm terrified of not doing right by him, though." That was probably the first time he voiced that thought out loud, and it felt good to share it with someone he trusted, like a weight was lifted off his chest.

Buck scoffed. "Seriously?!" Eddie didn't answer, didn't so much as look at him. "Eddie. Hey, look at me, man." Eddie gathered up the courage to do as he was told, and immediately regretted it. The way Buck was looking at him; soft and comforting and so goddamn warm, it made him want to bury himself in him and never leave. It made him want to tell him everything, that he loved him, that he wanted to be with him, that he sometimes daydreamed about the two of them in a house, raising Christopher together. When Buck put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, Eddie did look away. "You are the best father I know, do you hear me? That kid is confident and strong and happy, and it's all because of you."

Eddie shook his head. "It's all him, Buck."

"Look at me." When Eddie did, he looked at him seriously and shook his head. "It's not all him. You shaped him up to be what he is now. We're all products of our upbringings. And Chris, he's all you."

Eddie breathed out slowly and closed his eyes in an effort not to let any tears fall. He sniffed and reopened them, grinning at Buck. "Your father must've been a good man, then."

Buck's face darkened and he barked out a harsh laugh. "Not even close, man. When I was a kid, I was weak and pathetic and a loser. And all that I am now, yhe good _and_ the bad, was just trial and error along the way." He laughed again, this time a little more self-conscious. "Wow, this conversation really took a wrong turn , huh?"

Eddie's heart broke for him and he tried not to let it show. "I'm sorry, Buck."

"Don't be, man. It's fine."

Eddie wanted to argue, wanted to tell him that it wasn't, but he stopped himself. "If you ever want to talk about it, Buck, and you should, you can talk to me."

Buck's face cleared, and his smile was back. "Thank you."

Eddie nodded, then checked the time. "Alright, Chris! Time to go to the movies."

* * *

Eddie parked the car and turned to him with a smile. "How are you feeling about tomorrow?" 

"Alright." He shrugged, nervously fiddling with his fingers. "I guess it'll be an adjustment, what with the new girl there and all that. I just-"

Eddie scrutinized him, and Buck forced himself not to look away. "What are you scared of?"

Buck let out a breath, and put his head on the dashboard. "That I won't fit anymore, you know? It's been a really long time since I've been on the team, what if I'm not good enough anymore?"

Eddie put his hand on his neck and squeezed gently. "You'll be amazing, and you're more than good enough. We're all excited to have you back, Buck."

"Thank you, Eddie. For everything."

Eddie waved him off. "See you tomorrow, partner."

Buck grinned, and Eddie couldn't not smile back at him.

"See ya!"

* * *

When Buck was about ten feet away from his door, he heard shouting and immediately knew something was wrong. There was the sound of breaking glass, and then a sudden quiet that scared him. He threw caution to the wind and ran inside.

His concern gave way to rage at what he saw when he got to his living room. Maddie was cowering in the corner of the kitchen while his mom, who was on the opposite side, glared at her, a glass in her hand. When he looked down, he could see shattered glass at her feet.

"_What the hell is going on here?!"_

Maddie flinched at his shout, and he spared her an apologetic glance before turning back to his mother, his jaw clenched so tightly he could feel his teeth grinding. "What did you do to her? What did you say to her?!" He saw Maddie straighten out of the corner of his eye, and when his mom showed no reaction, he advanced on her. "_Answer me,"_ he hissed at her.

"She was out of line."

"So you threw a glass at her? Are you insane?" He pointed at the door. "Get out. _Get out,_ now."

"Buck, honey-"

"_Out_!"

For the first time ever in his life, he saw genuine fear in her eyes. "Please."

He wanted nothing more than to throw her out, but he couldn't. It didn't matter that she was a liar who'd done nothing but use him and then leave him when she was done with him; it didn't matter that she was an addict, who only cared about drugs and nothing else; she was still his mom.

He breathe out slowly and looked away from her. "Wait for me upstairs."

She went up without another word and he turned his attention to his sister. "Maddie."

She rushed into his arms and threw her own around his neck, hugging him tightly. He closed his eyes and hugged her back. "I'm _sorry_."

"I came to see why you weren't answering your phone. I was worried. And when I saw her..." she trailed off, tightening her arms around him.

He pulled away, holding her face in his hands. "I"m sorry, we were at the movies and I had my phone on silent. I'm really sorry about this, Maddie. Why were you trying to reach me?"

She glared at him. "You forgot about your date!"

He winced. "Eddie and Chris wanted to take me out to celebrate. I completely forgot."

She smirked. "Aha."

  
He frowned at her. "Wha's that look for?"

"Nothing." She left the kitchen and went into the living room, sat down on the couch and learned her hear back.

"Maddie-"

She just raised an eyebrow. "You already know the answer, Buck."

"We've talked about this, Maddie. There's nothing there."

"Agree to disagree."

Buck let it go, knowing there was no changing her mind. He sighed and joined her on the couch. "Are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room."

"Can we not?"

"Nope."

She turned to him. "Why is she here, Buck? You can't tell me you bought into the whole I'm trying to put my life back together crap."

Buck scoffed. "Of course I didn't."

"Then why is she here, huh? Why did you let her into your home? You know she's just trying to use you."

He nodded, and tried to bury the hurt. "I do know."

She eyed him closely and her face softened. "But..." she prompted him gently.

He shrugged helplessly. "But, she's our mom. For better or for worse, she's our mom."

Maddie closed her eyes. "Come here." He sank into her arms gratefully. "She doesn't deserve you, you know that, right?"

He didn't answer, just drew her closer.  
....

After Maddie left, Buck headed up the stairs, and found his mom sitting on the bed, her head in her hands.

"Don't ever do that again. If you do, you won't stay here for another second."

His mother locked her jaw, and though she didn't seem to like it, she nodded.

"Now, are you going to tell me why you're back?"

She closed her eyes and hung her head. "Nothing, I swear. I just wanted to see you."

"Do you expect me to believe that, mom?"

She nodded. "I do. I'm back here for good now."

Buck looked at her, he scrutinized her face and her expression and he still didn't know if he could actually believe her. His mother was a good liar, he knew that, but he couldn't just presume she was lying everytime she opened her mouth. "Okay."

Her eyes lit up. "You believe me?"

Buck shook his head, and squashed the guilt he felt when he saw her face fall. "I don't. But I'm willing to try. But let me make a few things clear; you don't hurt Maddie again, you don't bring up dad or the company, and you absolutely do not ask me for money. If you do any of that, you're out of here, are we clear?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Is that really how you're gonna treat your mother?"

Buck laughed in her face. "You really consider yourself a mother?"

"Of course I'm your mother."

"No, you're not." He glared at her. "You didn't raise me. You never protected me. You were never there when I needed you!" By the end of it, he was breathing like he'd just ran a marathon. Tears pricked his eyes and he angrily wiped them away. "I was six years old when you left. Six. I've spent two decade of my life without you, and you call yourself my mother?"

She sprang up from the bed and rushed down the stairs. A minute later he heard the slam of the front door. He sat down on the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands. He allowed a few tears to fall, but soon pulled himself together and got ready for bed. He tried to put his mother out of his mind, but her face, and her tears wouldn't go away. He cursed and threw the covers away.

So much for a good night's sleep.

  
.

He found her sitting on the pavement, hugging herself and rocking back and forth. He sat beside her, but didn't say anything. "You're right." She told him quietly.

He nodded. "I know."

She chuckled. "You're not pulling any punches tonigh, huh?"

Buck shrugged.

She nudged him with her shoulder. "You know, I may not have been a good mother, but I did do one thing right."

He looked at her curiously. "What's that?"

"Love. I may not show it right most of the time, but I love you and your sister so much. Never doubt that, Evan."

He nodded hesitantly, but didn't say anything else. He believed that _she_ believed she loved them, but the thing about love was that it consisted of both action and words. Words not backed up by actions were meaningless. "Let's get you inside."

She smiled sadly, and put her hand in his when he offered it up. He told her to take his bed, but she refused and settled down on the couch.

He went into the kitchen, filled a glass with water and turned, leaning his back on the counter. He watched her back rise and fall slowly and wondered why he wanted to believe when she said she was clean and that she was here to make amends. He'd been here before, she'd disappointed him before, and yet, here he was, hoping against all hope that this was real.

He sighed, put the half full glass in the sink and went upstairs. He lay down on his bed and breathed out, struggling to keep thoughts and memories he'd buried, at bay.

_Focus on the good, Buck. Focus on the good._

_Everything will be okay._

He kept repeating those words in his mind, hoping if he did it enough times, he might actually believe them.

* * *

_* One Week Later *_

* * *

"Hey, Buck?"

"Yeah?"

"Chris has a science fair in a few days and he wanted me to ask if you could come?"

Buck grinned. "Yeah, I'd love to."

"Good." Eddie rolled his eyes, coming to stand beside him. "He's been bugging me about telling you, because I keep forgetting."

Bucks's grin grew impossibly wide. "I missed him these past few days."

A weird look crossed Eddie's face, (there had been a lot of those lately) but it was gone in a second, and replaced by an amused smile. "You saw him two days ago."

"Three, actually. So what's your point? I've gotten used to him."

Eddie just chuckled. "Yeah." He seemed to hesitate before he cleared his throat. "Is your mom still staying with you?"

Buck tensed. "Yeah. Why do you ask?" It sounded more defensive than he wanted it to be, and Eddie held up his hands.

"Hey, I'm just making conversation. Sorry, man."

Buck rubbed his forehead, trying to ward off a headache. Don't be. I'm sorry. Things have just been reallly weird lately."

Eddie looked concerned now. "You want to talk about it?"

"Definitely not."

Eddie nodded. "Alright. Offer still stands, though. Always."

Buck smiled. "Thank you."

* * *

When he got home, he found his mom passed out on the ground, a half-empty bottle of vodka at her side. His shoulders slumped in defeat and he knelt next to her. He checked she was breathing and then sat down beside her head. He knew he should try and wake her up, sober her up, but he didn't have the energy anymore.

  
This was the third night in a row, and he was at his wits' end. She brushed him off every time he tried to talk to her about it, and spent the majority of the time he was home either hungover or drunk. He was avoiding Maddie because he knew she would disapprove of what he was doing, but he didn't think he had it in him to kick his mother out, not while she was like this.

"Mom," he called out patting her cheek. "Mom, hey, wake up."

It took her a few minutes, but she did manage to open her eyes. She sat up, her hand going to her head. She groaned. "What the hell happened?"

"I don't know, mom, but I think it's time you told me."

  
She looked at him searching his face for something and then shook her head. She sat up further and took a deep breath. When she looked at him, he was surprised and slightly terrified to note that her eyes were full of sorrow. His mother rarely showed her emotions so freely. "I'm sorry," she chocked out.

Buck softened against his will. "Mom, will you please tell me what's going on? Whatever it is, I can help you. Please?"

She touched a hand to his cheek. "My sweet boy, I don't think anyone can." She rose up to her feet, unsteady. "I'm leaving."

"What? No! You can't go." He held her shoulders in both his hands and leaned down to look her in the eyes. "You said this time would be different. Prove it. Stay."

  
She freed herself from his grip and started gathering whatever meager possessions she'd brought with her, and Buck felt a pressure build up in his throat. "Mom, where are you gonna go?" He sounded like a little kid to his own ears, and it felt like he was six years old again, watching his mother pack her things into a suitcase and begging her to stay.

"Anywhere but here. Look at you, Evan," she exclaimed, pointing her hand at him. "You were so happy before I came here, and look at you now. _I'm a disease,_ and I was stupid to think I could ever be a real mom to you."

Buck felt cold all over. "You couldn't figure that out before you put me through all of this again? And by the way, you haven't even tried!"

She didn't listen to him, just went on with her packing. He didn't think he had it in him to watch her leave again so he headed upstairs. He stayed up there until he heard the sound of the door close quietly. With that sound, there was a finality that he hadn't ever felt before, and Buck knew there was a good chance that that was the last time he'd ever see his mom.

His breath hitched and, suddenly, he was sobbing; loud and ugly and painful. The more he cried, the more it hurt, and it got to the point where he felt like he couldn't breathe.

He grabbed his phone with shaky hands and called the one person who could help him with this.

"Hello? Buck?"

He took in a shaky, shallow breath, then blew it out. "Can you come over? Please?"


	2. Somebody I Used to Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this, you lovely people ❤ thank you so much for your support! 
> 
> I hope you like this one.

When Maddie got to Buck's, she used her key to open the door instead of knocking.

She looked in the kitchen and the living room first and when she didn't find him, she headed up the stairs, calling out his name.

"Maddie?" The shaky, quiet tone of his voice had her rushing up the last two steps and around the bed. She found him on the floor in the corner of the room. His legs were bent at the knee, and his arms were squeezing them to his chest. Maddie froze. She hadn't seen him like this in so long, and judging by the fact that he was alone, she knew what had caused it. Her heart broke for him. Their mom always did this; she'd come back into their lives every five or so years, promise it would be different this time, bleed them dry and then suddenly up and leave. Maddie hated her for it, and after the first time she'd done this to her, back when Maddie was twenty years old and naive and thought her mother actually loved her, she'd stopped giving her what she wanted whenever she visited. Of course, that hadn't stopped their mother, just made her move onto Buck as a target. And the thing was, he never seemed to learn; kept giving her chance after chance. Watching it happen every time was exhausting and heartwrenching, and she didn't know how much more of it either of them could stand.

She slowly made her way to him and sat down opposite him. "Buck?"

"Maddie?"

Her eyes filled with tears once she saw the devastation clearly written all over his face. "Hey, Evan."

He scooted over so he was sitting beside her, and rested his head on her shoulder. "She's gone again. "

She stifled a sob, and wrapped an arm around him. She soothingly ran her hand up and down his back, and listened to his quiet breaths. He sounded better now than he had earlier. Maddie suspected he'd had a panic attack, though she couldn't be sure.  
"I know, Buck."

"Am I ever gonna learn?"

She squeezed his arm and rested her head on his. "I don't think you will," she answered honestly. "But that's what makes you _you_."

"Why couldn't she just _stay_? Why am I never good enough for anyone?"

His breathing was picking up, and she knew she had to calm him down before he had another panic attack.

"Evan, look at me," she pushed him off her gently and turned him sideways. She held his face in her hands and forced him to look her in the eyes. She felt tears run down her cheeks, but she ignored them. "You are a good man, and you are so kind and brave and strong. Anybody who has left never deserved you in the first place. You understand?"

His face crumbled. "Maddie," he shuddered.

Her lips trembled and she pulled him in again. He buried his face in her chest and cried like she hadn't seen him cry in a long time. In that moment, she hated her mother more than anyone in the world for using him like this. The thing about Buck was that when he loved someone, there was no going back. He would never turn his back on them no matter what they did. Unfortunately, not many people in his life deserved that love, so nine times out of ten, he ended up disappointed and hurt and lonely.

She ran her hand through his hair soothingly, trying to figure out what to do. The thing was, she couldn't for the life of her think of anything to do but to sit here and hold him, since she knew words wouldn't really mean much in this situation.

"Come on, let's get you to bed."

He was drained, so he could do nothing but nod and struggle to his feet. She had to help him into the bed, and once he was settled, she covered him with the comforter.

She sat on the bed next to his head and carded her hand through his hair. It took him a while, but he eventually fell asleep, and she spent the better part of an hour awake, watching over him. She wanted nothing more than to take his pain away, but Buck wore his heart on his sleeve and though people kept breaking it, he never guarded it better; he just kept giving out second chances and expecting different results. She really didn't understand how he could just keep doing it time after time. Maddie wanted nothing more than to shake some sense into him, get it through to him that he deserved better than to be used and left behind again and again.

She got herself a second comforter and lay down beside him, too tired to drive home and unwilling to leave him alone.

It didn't take long for her to fall asleep.

.

When she woke up the next day, it was to the sound of laughter. It took her a long minute to figure out who the laughter belonged to.

She went down the stairs, smiling when she heard her brother's bright laugh ring out again.

"Hey!"

Eddie, Buck and Christopher all turned to her and smiled.

Eddie handed her a cup of coffee. "Morning."

She inhaled, and closed her eyes. "Thank you, I really need this." She rounded the counter and stood next to her brother. She pumped his shoulder with hers and smiled. He smiled back, and she was relieved to note that though it was a bit less brighter than usual, it was genuine.

She turned to Christopher. "And how are you today, Chris?"

"I'm fine," he told her, nearly vibrating in his seat. His smile became wider as he added, "we're going to the zoo!"

"Oh yeah?! That sounds really fun."

He nodded seriously, and she just wanted to pinch his cheeks; the boy was too adorable. "Well, I'm off! Gotta go home and change now or I'm gonna be late."

Buck pushed off from where he was leaning against the counter and walked her to the door. Before she could open it though, he pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. She chuckled and hugged him back.

"Thank you," he said quietly, pulling back.

"What for?!"

"For yesterday. And for being the best sister ever."

She sniffed and hugged him again. "I love you, Evan."

"Love you, too, sis."

She opened the door and stepped out. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

He gave her a look. "Only if it's not an ambush like the last time you invited me to dinner."

She pretended she didn't understand. "I don't know what you mean." She turned and walked away, shaking her head at her brother's dramatics.

"No more blind dates! I mean it, Maddie," he called out after her.

She just lifted her hand in a dismissive wave and laughed.

* * *

"So, what are you doing today?"

Eddie shrugged. "I'm gonna drop Christopher off at school for the field trip, then I'll probably go buy some groceries. Why do you ask?"

"No reason." Buck turned his back on Eddie and busied himself with washing their mugs and Christopher's bowl. "You mind if I tag along? I need to get a few things."

"Yeah, sure. We'll drop Chris off together, then we'll go. That okay with you?"

He washed off the last mug, and dried his hands. "Of course, yeah. I'll go get ready."

.

They were a little late to getting Christopher to school, so when they got there, most of the kids were already on the bus. Buck and Eddie both got out, and hurried to get all of Christopher's things. Buck noticed his teacher watching them in amusement, but didn't pay her any attention.

Once things were in order, Buck crouched down and adjusted Christopher' glasses. "Have fun, bud."

Chris leaned into him a little, and Buck kissed his head. The kid beamed and walked with his dad to the teacher. He watched as Eddie briefly spoke to Christopher's teacher. She had a smile on her face, and whatever she said had Eddie flustered. She looked to him and waved, but Eddie didn't do the same, instead opting to lean in to hug his son.

Eddie made his way over to him, and Buck got in the car. Eddie got into the truck and peeled off right away. He seemed upset about something, and Buck wasn't sure if he should pry or just leave him be.

They got to the grocery store in record time, and by that time, Eddie seemed to have shaken whatever it was that upset him. They separated when Buck went to buy the vegetables he needed and Eddie went to grab whatever it was he came here for.

A cart bumped into him from behind, and he barely managed not to fall into the stack of oranges he'd been inspecting.

"Oh, god! Are you okay?!"

Buck straightened up and turned, intending on waving off the concern and the apology, but was struck speechless.

"Evan?" The man whispered, face pale like he'd seen a ghost.

Buck was sure he didn't look any better. It felt like his insides had turned to ice, and he was paralyzed. Try as he might, he couldn't even get his feet to move.

"Evan?" He repeated, extending his hand as if to touch Buck. That finally got him to move, and he pushed away from him, shaking his head. "Evan, please, hea-"

Buck shook his head again. "No. No. You can't be here," he muttered, disbelieving. He turned, and only got two steps away from him when he felt a hand wrap around his forearm. He looked at the hand first, then at his face. Buck glared and tried to shake him off, subtly as to not make a scene. It didn't work, so he straightened up and pushed closer, towering over the other man. "If you don't let go of my arm right now, I'll break yours, alright?"

He let go as if he was burned, and stared at him. The way he was looking at him, as if trying to memorize his features, made Buck uncomfortable and, though he was ashamed to admit it, a little nostalgic. Once upon a time, that look had meant the world to him.

"Evan, please, I just want to talk."

Buck shook his head, and took another step back. "I don't. I need you to get out of here, and I need to forget I ever saw you again."

"Evan-"

"Ben, please. Please, just leave."

Ben shook his head, and a couple of tears fell. Buck did his best not to soften, and clenched his fists in anger. _This wasn't the time to be a decent human being_, he reminded himself.

Ben clutched at his hand, and though Buck tried to extract it, his grip was like steel. "Evan, just give me a chance. Just one drink, and after that, if you want me to leave, I'll go."

"No. No drinks. No talking. I don't want to see you ever again. Now leave."

Ben cocked his head to the side. "Is there no part of you that wants to know what happened?"

Buck laughed and tried to reign it in when people looked in their direction, but he couldn't seem to stop. Ben's confusion only made him laugh harder. It took him a few seconds to pull himself together. "I do know what happened, Ben. You abandoned me. And you chose money and power over me. There's nothing you can, or need to, explain to me."

"There's more to it than that, _please hear me out,_" he raised his voice, and Buck felt eyes on them. Ben tightened his grip oh his hand, and Buck gave up on trying to pull away. He did his best to keep from turning this into a screaming match, and blew out a breath. "For the last time, Ben, no. No-"

"Everything okay here?"

Buck cursed silently and closed his eyes. Eddie moved closer, a lot closer than he would normally stand, and nudged his shoulder. Buck looked at him, and just shook is head. Eddie seemed to understand what he was saying, and backed off, his eyes on Buck's hand in Ben's. Buck briefly saw anger spark in his eyes, but then it was gone; in its stead was a neutral expression.

When he turned to Ben, he found that he was watching them with an odd look on his face; a mix of grief, bitterness and anger. He nodded. "I see."

Buck clenched his jaw, resisting the urge to ask him what he meant by that. Ben turned and left without another word.

Eddie turned to him. "Who was that?"

Buck looked at the place Ben was standing in, and shook his head absently. "Somebody I used to know."

"Buck, are you okay?"

"I'm- can we just get out of here?"

"But-"

"_Eddie, leave it_," Buck snapped, then immediately felt guilty afterwards. "I'm sorry, man. I just- this is literally the last thing I want to talk about."

Eddie nodded, though he didn't look at him. "Okay."

On the drive back, they were both quiet. Buck wanted to apologize again, but he also knew it might invite Eddie to ask more about Ben, and that was just a big no. He didn't want to think about him, or talk about him, he just wanted to pretend that seeing him today didn't happen at all.

Eddie parked his car and Buck cleared his throat. "You want to come in for a drink?"

Eddie smiled, though it seemed a little strained. "I've still got some errands to run before Chris gets back."

Buck nodded and tried to hide his disappointment. "Okay, then. Another time?"

"Yeah, sure."

Buck's shoulders slumped at the dismissive tone. He wondered what had gotten into Eddie to make him act like this. Yes, he'd yelled, but he had apologized for it already. He tried again. "Eddie, I'm sorry about earlier."

"Don't sweat it," he then raised his hand in a small wave and peeled off.

Buck stood and watched the car disappear from view.

_What the hell just happened?_

* * *

Buck had been trying his best to engage Eddie in a conversation, any conversation, for the better part of half an hour. He was getting desperate enough to try and talk about the weather when the alarm sounded. He didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed, so he settled for both.

In the truck, he had to sit through ten minutes of Lena making eyes at Eddie, and Eddie actually talking to her, even smiling at her.

It pissed him right off.

And honestly, it felt like he was being replaced. And it wasn't even after what happened at the store, whatever it was, happened between him and Eddie. Even before, he seemed to be gravitating more toward Lena than Buck. He'd figured it would change now that he was back, that Eddie was just adjusting, but Buck was feeling like the odd man out more and more. He made sure he didn't repeat what he'd done with Eddie, though. He tried to smile at Lena as much as possible and was as friendly as he could without spending too much time with her. It was working out well so far, but Buck could feel the urge to lash out getting stronger.

Lena and Eddie ended up going into the burning house and saving the kid and her mother, and when they got out, they high-fived. They fucking high-fived like a couple of six year olds.

Buck ended up skulking in the back, and refused to talk to anyone. Eddie was still ignoring him and joking with Lena, and when he showed her a picture he got of Chris at the zoo before he showed him, Buck went ballistic. Silently, though and without anyone noticing (except maybe Hen, who seemed to be trying not to laugh, while simultaneously trying to show sympathy. It wasn't working.)

When they got to the station, he made a beeline for the kitchen and took out a couple of muffins.

"Tryin' to eat your feelings, Buckaroo?"

He glared at Hen and continued to stuff his face. She had audacity to laugh at him.

Eddie and Lena came into the break room, laughing, and Buck was done trying to be mature. He stomped his way out of the room without addressing them, and Eddie didn't even seem to notice him.

Buck lasted five hours, until it was nearing the end of the shift, before he exploded. He found Eddie alone, which was a rare occurrence these days, in the gym. He stalked over to him and turned him around so he was facing him. The look Eddie gave him was thunderous, but Buck didn't care.

"_What the fuck is your problem with me, man?!"_

Eddie shook his head and tried to turn back around. Buck blocked him with a hand on his chest, and ground his teeth together when he saw the anger had turned into a mask of indifference. "Answer me."

"No problem here," he told him casually.

Buck threw his hands up in the air. "You barely said two words to me this whole shift. You've been ignoring me. It's worst than when you first started here, Eddie!"

"Is that all, Buck?"

Buck took a step back, hurt. Then the hurt turned into anger. "You know what, Eddie? Fuck you."

Eddie snorted, but didn't say anything else.

"I apologized for fucking yelling at you at the store! You want me to do it again? Here it is: I'm sorry!"

Eddie turned to him again, the anger back. Buck was almost relieved. "I don't want an apology. I wanted an explanation, Buck!"

"Explanation for _what_?"

Eddie raised an eyebrow. "You were _holding hands_ with the guy, you were laughing, and when I asked you about it, you snapped at me, Buck. I thought we told each other everything, but apparently not.

Buck was confused. "I told you, he's not important. Just someone I knew when I was a kid."

Eddie clenched his jaw and turned his head to the side. When he turned back to him again, he was a little more calm. "Answer me honestly; who is he to you?"

Buck blew out a breath. "Why does he matter so much to you?"

Eddie laughed bitterly. "Look at you, you're avoiding the question, and and you want me to believe he's no one important?"

Buck looked up, trying to fight tears of frustration and exhaustion. Then he looked him right in the eye and answered. "You want to know who he is to me? Fine. Right now, he's nobody to me, okay? Nobody. "

"And before?"

Buck didn't answer; he just shook his head and walked away.

* * *

The next day at work was brutal, and it was only halfway through. Things with him and Eddie were even worse now; they'd turned from passive-aggressive to just aggressive, and Buck still didn't understand why. Why was Eddie so fucking fixated on Ben that he couldn't see how much Buck was hurting? Why couldn't he tell that Buck wanted nothing to do with him, wanted nothing but to forget he was ever here?

After they came back from a call, Buck went into the break room and sat down on the couch beside a sleeping Eddie, and watched him. It may be creepy, but damn, he'd missed him. These past couple of days had been hell without him, and Buck didn't know how to fix it. He nudged Eddie, hoping to talk things out, and struggled to keep from laughing when the other man let out a little snort and crinkled his nose. , turning away from him.

"Eddie-"

"Buck," Bobby called out, "there's someone here to see you!"

Eddie stirred, but didn't wake up. Buck silently cursed his bad timing, got up slowly and went down stairs. He wondered who it could be, since almost everyone he knew was here. A part of him wanted it to be his mother, but he knew it wasn't an option.

He froze once he saw who his captain was talking to. Ben. The little shit had the nerve to come here. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

Bobby raised an eyebrow in surprise, and looked back and forth between the two of them.

"_Leave_," Buck hissed at him, and Ben actually looked nervous for a second there. But then the mask fell in place and he smiled.

"Evan, I was just-"

"I don't want to hear it, Ben. Leave."

"I'm not leaving until you give me a chance to explain."

Buck advanced on him until there was an inch of space between them. "Don't test me, Ben. Leave, or I'll have you thrown out."

"You can't do that. This is a public place," he answered calmly. He slowly, deliberately, dragged his eyes from Buck's to his lips and then back up again. He smiled, probably enjoying this.

Buck saw red. "This is not a game. You don't get to do this to me."

Ben sighed and looked to the ground. "Fine, I'll leave. But I am coming back, and I'm not taking no for an answer."

Buck watched him leave, and stayed rooted to the spot, shaking like a leaf, until Bobby came back. "Who was that, Buck?"

He jumped and whirled around. "No one important," he answered quietly.

Bobby scrutinized him, his eyes narrowed. "But he was, once?" It wasn't a question, even though it was framed like one. So Buck didn't give an answer, because the answer was too big, and too painful and brought up too many memories he'd done his best to bury and forget.

The answer was this:

Once upon a time, Ben had been the only light in Buck's otherwise dark moments. He'd been his lifeline, and his safe place and the only person who seemed to care about him. 

Once upon a time, Ben had been his _home_. 

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know how you're liking this so far. 
> 
> I do have a question for you, is there something specific you'd like to see in this fic, or something you think is missing or want to see more of? Also, do you mind when I change up POVs? I really want some feedback ❤


	3. You'll know soon enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a little longer than it was supposed to, because life was hectic this past week, so sorry for the delay.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this, though I'm a bit unhappy with some parts of it.
> 
> Happy reading!!

"Eddie! Hey, man, I really need to talk to you."

Eddie sighed, and Buck tried to reign in his frustration. "Not now, Buck."

He threw his hands up. "Then when?" He snapped at him.

"I don't know, Buck, okay?!" Buck was sure the hurt he felt was written all over his face, because Eddie softened. "Maybe tonight, okay? We'll grab a drink?"

Buck nodded. "Yeah, that sounds good."

Eddie clapped him on the shoulder and left the room in a hurry. Buck watched him go with a frown. He was really starting to lose his patience with Eddie, and he really hoped they could work out whatever his issue was. 

.

Their second call of the day is pretty standard. What's not standard was Bobby pairing him up with Lena. He could tell she wanted to object, but she held her tongue. 

He didn't have her self-restraint. 

"Cap-"

Bobby silenced him with a look, and though he didn't like it, Buck followed Lena into the building.

He had a bad feeling about this.

.

"Hey, stay with me. Stay with me, honey." 

The little girl just cried harder. "I want my mommy." 

Buck's heart broke for her, but he tried his best not to let it show. He smiled at her and did his best to distract her. "What's your favorite animal, Hannah?" 

"Penguins," she answered shakily. 

"Good choice. Penguins are real cute. They walk funny though, right?"

The little girl giggled, and Buck took a deep breath then pressed on the gaping hole on her abdomen harder, and she cried out. "I'm sorry, sweetie, I'm sorry."

"It hurts," she sobbed. 

"I know. I know, but in a few minutes, my friends will get us out of here and you'll get to see your mommy real soon, okay? Just hold on."

The little girl didn't respond, just kept crying. Buck panicked. "Have you watched this movie called The Minions?"

She sniffed, and let out a shaky sob. "Yeah. It's my favorite," she whispered. 

Buck smiled in relief. He never thought he'd be grateful for having to watch that movie with Christopheralmost everytime he came over. "My best friend's kid, Christopher, he's obsessed with it. Made me watch it a hundred times!" He told her, exaggerating his exasperation. She giggled, and he smiled. "What's your favorite part? Mine is when they're in the boat, and they think Kevin is a banana and then try to eat him."

She giggled again, though it faded quickly and she slowly closed her eyes. Buck, though he hated doing it, put even more pressure on her wound, hoping it would bring her back to consciousness. It didn't work. "No! Hannah? Hannah, wake up. Wake up, please." Her eyes stayed firmly shut and he scrambled to find a pulse. He sighed in relief once he could feel her heart beating, faint but there, and he fumbled for his radio. It took him less than ten seconds to locate it. 

"Cap? Cap, do you copy?"

There was a bit of static, but then Bobby's voice came, loud but a bit dissorted. "Buck? What the hell happened?"

"Lena and I got separated. I went after a sound I heard and I found a little girl. I got her out, no problem, but we fell through the floor. She's really hurt. When can you get us out of here?"

"We're working on it, Buck. The building is unstable, so it's gonna need some time."

"God damnit!" Buck closed his eyes, and bit his lip to stop any further screams from escaping. "Bobby, I can't watch this little girl die, okay? Please, get us out of here."

"We're doing the best we can, Buck. Hang in there."

Buck set down his radio and, taking a deep breath, Buck renewed his efforts in waking her up. "Hannah? Honey, wake up." He tapped her cheek gently, and was rewarded with a quiet groan. He laughed in giddy relief, a d repeated the action, and the little girl opened her eyes to slits. 

"What?" She mumbled grumpily, and Buck laughed wetly.

"No sleeping, remember?"

"Okay."

"Hannah."

"What?"

"Your eyes are closed."

She sighed, annoyed. When she did open her eyes, he found himself on the receiving end of an impressive glare.

He crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue, and her glare was immediately replaced by a a faint giggle. Her eyes fluttered shut again, and he said her name loudly. She alternated between crying softly and mumbling incoherently. Buck, helpless, merely made soothing noises and tried his best to keep her alive.

"I want my mommy," Hannah cried.

"I know you do, kiddo, I know. Talk to me about her; talking helps when you really miss somebody."

She sniffed and nodded. "Mommy's really pretty. And she sings all the time..."

Buck kept nodding as the little girl rambled on quietly, her voice getting weaker by the second. He tried to listen tentatively, but his main focus was on getting them out and figuring out a way to do that was proving to be harder than he thought it would be. 

"Mr. Buck?"

"Yeah, honey?"

"You can talk too, if you miss someone, I don't mind."

He shook his head with a smile. "This is your show, Ms. Hannah. Talk about anything you want."

"Anything?"

"Anything. Just keep talking. "

Hannah nodded and began to talk about her best friend, Lilly. Her eyes kept drifting closed, and she trailed off every few seconds.

Since talking didn't help, he intended to give her something else to focus on. "What's your favorite song?"

"I see the light," she told him hoarsely. 

Buck winced. He did not know that one, so he changed tactics. "You said your mom sang a lot, right? What's your favorite from those?

"Mommy sings me Moon River every day. "

Buck grinned. That, he could do. "Would you like me to sing it for you? I mean, I'm not a really good singer, but I can try?"

She nodded, her eyes fixed on his. Buck took a deep breath and began to sing. He sang it horribly at first, just to get her to smile, but then he really started to sing and it seemed to do the trick. 

That was how his team found them, nearly five minutes later.

"Buck!"

He nearly collapsed in relief. "We're down here." 

"You hear that, Hannah? My friends came for us and you'll get to see your mom real soo- Hannah?! Hey, open your eyes, kid." He tapped her cheek frantically. "Hannah, come on, open those eyes." When she didn't respond, he looked up at the opening. "Bobby, hurry the hell up, she doesn't have much time!" 

Buck turned his attention back to her, and checked her pulse. He sighed in reliefqhen he felt it there, faint and erratic but there. 

He put his hand on her chest to check her breathing, since he couldn't really see clearly, and his heart nearly stopped when he felt no movement beneath his hand. 

"Bobby!"

.

"What the hell happened back there, Bosko?"

Eddie frowned as Bobby advanced on Lena, who squared her shoulders and stood tall when he was in front of her. "What do you mean, cap?"

Bobby clenched his jaw. "Buck said you got separated. What happened?"

She hesitated. "He said he heard someone back in an area I'd already cleared. I told him we needed to keep going, but he insisted and went back."

"And you let him go alone?"

Eddie wanted to interfere, but he didn't know how to. The thing was, he was with Bobby on this. . He knew that if it had been him with Buck, he wouldn't have hesitated in following after him, because he trusted him. Lena, though, didn't seem to. He could tell Buck was making an effort to be friendly with her, but Eddie knew he didn't like her, and the feeling was very much mutual on Lena's part. But he hadn't expected Lena to do something like this, to let her personal feelings bleed into their work.

"Like I said, it was an area I'd already cleared. I figured he heard wrong."

Bobby closed his eyes, and Eddie knew from the tense set of his shoulders that he was starting to get truly angry, so he interfered. "Cap? Why don't we all take a breather and deal with this later, huh?"

Bobby stared at him, long and hard, then nodded and stalked off.

Lena scoffed. "Why the hell is he on my ass about this? I made a mistake anyone would've made, including you."

He felt his hackles rising. "No. I would've followed Buck."

Lena raised an eyebrow. "And why is that?"

"Because I trust him more than anyone else. And because he's saved my life more times than I can count."

She had the decency to looke chastened. "The area was cleared," she told him miserably. Eddie tried to sympathize, but then he rememberd the hell Buck must be going through right now, and came up just a little short.

* * *

When Eddie saw Buck, he stopped in his tracks and watched him for a few a minute. His best friend was pacing back and forth, with his arms wrapped protectively around his ribs in a tight hold. He looked miserable and in pain, and all Eddie wanted to do was to comfort him. He didn't how welcome that would be though, given Eddie's recent idiotic behavior. Eddie just hadn't been in his right mind because, though he hated to admit it, he'd been jealous. All because of a stupid situation he'd witnessed with no context whatsoever. He'd just seen that guy hold Buck's hand, seen the wistful look on Buck's face when he was talking to him and had noticed how close they were standing, and all rational thought had went right out the window. 

Almost losing Buck today, though, put things in perspective. It had helped Eddie realize how petty he'd been and how much he'd messed up. Life was too short, and if one thing had gone wrong today, that fight could've been the last thing either of them said to each other.

He gathered up the courage and went up to him. Buck didn't notice him until he was standing right in front of him. When Eddie saw his eyes, red and puffy and filled with so much pain, he hesitated, but then pulled him in for a tight hug. Buck didn't resist, simply buried his head in Eddie's neck and balled his shirt into his fists. Eddie felt him shake, and he made to pull away, but Buck didn't let him. "What if I killed her, Eddie?"

"You didn't. I know you, Buck, and I know you did everything you could."

He shook his head and when he pulled away from Eddie, he avoided his eyes. He looked down at his bloody hands and flinched, snapping his gaze up. He couldn't see his face, but from the rapid rise and fall of his shoulders, Eddie knew Buck was this close to having a panic attack right there. 

He took both of his hands and steered him toward the bathroom. At first, he resisted because he didn't want to leave incase someone had news on Hannah, but Eddie managed to convince him pretty easily. 

He turned on the water, made sure it was lukewarm, and had to drag Buck to the sink. When he merely stared at the running water,looking dazed and not all there, Eddie pushed his sleeves up and began the process of washing the blood off his hands. When he looked at him in the mirror, he saw him looking to the side, his eyes squeezed shut and his jaw clenched so tightly he was sure he'd be able to hear his teeth grind if it weren't for the running water. Once all the blood was off, Eddie grabbed a couple of paper towels and dried off his hands. He didn't let go once he was done, simply kept holding on. 

"Buck, you with me?"

He shook his head, as if to clear it, and nodded. "Yeah."

"She'll be okay."

"I hope so."

.

"Eddie, any news on the kid?" 

Eddie sighed, leaning back on the wall. "She's still in surgery."

"And Buck?"

He shook his head, even though he knew Bobby couldn't see him. "It's not good, Bobby. If that little girl doesn't make it, it'll destroy him. I don't know how much more this he can take, you know?"

"I know. God, what a mess. There's something else I need to talk to you about."

He straightened with a frown. "Sure, go ahead."

"Lena, what do you think about the whole situation with her and Buck?"

Eddie hesitated. "She doesn't respect him, or trust him, for some reason. And that bled into her actions today."

"Do you think that can change?"

"Of course; that is, if they're both willing to work on it. Otherwise..." he trailed off. 

"Otherwise?"

Eddie took a deep breath, then answered. "She'd need to go."

Bobby sighed. "Alright. Thanks, Eddie."

"No problem, cap."

"Keep me updated, will you?"

"You got it."

.

Eddie watched Buck pace back and forth, and wished he could do something, anything, for him. He'd refused to let the doctors take a look at him, insisted on staying close to where Hannah and her mom were. The little girl hadn't been doing well last time they'd checked, but Buck seemed to believe she would be fine. Eddie humored him.

When he saw Buck lean against the wall, his arms wrapped around his chest and eyes closed in obvious pain, Eddie decided that enough was enough. He stalked over to him, determined. "You need to get checked out."

Buck shook his head. "No. I'm not leaving here 'till I make sure she's okay."

"And I'm not letting this go until I make sure you're okay," Eddie shot back. Buck shook his head again and Eddie sighed. He held both his shoulders in his hands, looking him right in the eyes. "Buck, please, just get checked out? I swear it won't take long."

He closed his eyes and bit his lower lip, and Eddie wanted nothing more than to pull him into his arms and shield him from all the pain he was going through. He didn't though, and settled for squeezing his arm. "Please."

Buck sniffed and nodded. "Okay, yeah, I'll go."

"Thank you."

Eddie put an arm around him, both to steady him and to keep him close, and took him down to the ER, where they were quickly seen by Dr Mike Gilbert, a friend of his who was a former Army Medic too. Eddie had called him ahead of time, telling him he needed him to check Buck as quickly as possible. He stayed with him while Mike examined him, mostly hovering and pointing out what Mike should be doing, and what injuries Buck might be hiding.

Buck and Mike were taking turns at glaring at him, but Eddie ignored them. 

To Eddie's releif, the doctor told them there was nothing to worry about; just some bruised ribs and a mild concussion. And as soon as he was cleared, Buck wasted no time in returning to the surgery ward.

They waited there for another hour before they got word on the little girl, and Eddie split the time between updating everyone, worrying about Buck, and trying to distract him. 

When Hanna's mother came out the door, Eddue's heart nearly beat out of his chest. Buck walked cautiously toward her, and once she saw that he was still waiting, she smiled brightly and wasted no time in pulling him in for a tight hug. Eddie stayed put, wanting to give him space, and watched from afar. She said something in his ear that had them both laughing, and Eddie smiled in relief.

He slowly walked over to them. "Hi."

She looked from him to Buck expectantly and he hastily introduced them. "This is Eddie, my friend. He and I work together."

The woman smiled at him and nodded in greeting.

"How's Hannah doing?"

"She's gonna be okay, thanks to you guys."

Eddie shook his head and put an arm around Buck's shoulders. "Nah, that was all Buck."

Buck blushed and looked at the ground, fidgeting in discomfort, and the woman smiled, though she seemed a bit distracted. "I really need to get back to her." They both nodded at her. She turned to Buck and took his hand in both of hers. "You know, you didn't just save her life, you saved mine too. I don't know what I would have done if something had happened to my little girl. Thank you so, so much, Mr. Buckley."

Buck grinned, bashful. "I'm just glad she's okay."

Once the woman disappeared behind the doors, Eddie turned to him with a smile. "Let's get you home."

.

Buck somehow managed to convince him to take him back to the station, and when they got there, he immediately went for the couch and was out in a few minutes. He sat opposite him and just took Buck in. Eddie was aware that watching someone sleep was creepy, but right now, he didn't care. He just wanted to make sure this was real, that he really did have him here, safe and in one piece. Those thirty minutes while he was inside the collapsing building had been some of the scariest of his life and Eddie wasn't sure what he would've done if he'd been hurt. Before they knew Buck was okay, Eddie had been like a bear with a sore head, snapping at everyone and pacing around frantically. He had, at some point, almost bitten Lena's head off when she'd tried to calm him down.

Speak of the devil. 

"Hey," Lena said quietly, entering the break room. Eddie tensed. "I'm sorry for what I did."

He clenched his jaw. "I'm not the one you need to apologize to."

She followed his line of sight to where Buck was curled up on the couch, and seemed to deflate. She sat on the arm of the couch, staring at the sleeping man. "I messed up. I thought he was questioning my ability as a firefighter when he said he heard a noise from an area I'd already cleared, like he was implying that I messed up. So many people have doubted me at every turn and I've always had to defend myself, you know?

"I know. But it's not an excuse, Lena. He could've died today." His voice broke and his heart skipped a beat at the thought, but he pushed it away and focused back on the conversation. "A little girl could've died."

She nodded, and he could see her eyes widening in horror at the thought."I know. I know. What can I do?"

"Work your ass off to get him to trust you. And learn to trust him back."

"You care about him a lot, huh?"

Eddie's eyes snapped from Buck's face to hers. "Of course I do; he's my best friend."

"Is that all there is?" She asked this casually, she was asking about the weather and not about Eddie potentially (definitely) having feelings for Buck.

Eddie swallowed, scrutinizing her expression. She looked back steadily, the look in her eyes knowing, and he wanted nothing more than to get out of this talk. Unfortunately, that would take getting out of the room Buck was in, and he wasn't ready to let the other man out of his sight yet. "It's all there can be," he answered shortly, and it hurt like hell. Voicing the words out loud made them real. Up until now, he'd made sure to keep them hidden, for the sole purpose of keeping the small voice that told him it was a possibility alive. 

"Says who?"

The alarm sounded before he can figure out the answer to that question. 

.

"Evan?" 

"Hmm? Eddie?"

He heard a chuckle. "No, it's Ben."

Buck shot up like he'd been electrocuted, and only seconds later the white hot pain that shot up from his side reminded him why that wasn't a good idea. It took him a few minutes to be able to move from his curled up position, and only once the pain subsided did he process that Ben was here, in the firehouse. After Buck had specifically warned him not to come back.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Ben smirked. "Told you I'd be back."

"I'm too tired to play games with you, Ben. Leave."

"Just one drink, and I will."

Buck stared at him, long and hard. He wasn't really good at reading people, but he liked to think he knew Ben well enough to tell of he was sincere or not. And all his instincts were screaming at him to get as far away from him as possible. "For the last time, no."

"So, the next time I ask, you'll say yes?"

Buck sighed and hung his head, exhausted. "If you've ever cared about me, Ben, you'll leave and you'll forget about me."

Ben softened and crouched in front of him. "I do care about you, Evan; which is why I can't let you go now that I've found you again."

He scoffed. "It wasn't so hard for you the first time."

Ben had the decency to look ashamed. "Things were more complicated back then. You don't know the whole story."

Buck shook his head. " I know that you betrayed me; you went behind my back and told him all our plans, all _my_ plans. Do you realize what those four months with him did to me? What _he_ did to me?"

"Your father-"

Buck flinched, and Ben cut himself off. He looked away because he didn't want him to see the tears welling in his eyes. "My father was a manipulate asshole who knew exactly what kind of person you were, the person you _are_."

"The only person who ever knew the real me was you, Evan."

He laughed, loud and self-deprecating and ugly, and stared him down. "Turned out I'm the only person who didn't. Tell me, Ben, did you even think twice before you told sold me out?"

"Yes," he shouted, losing his temper for the first time. "Of course I did. But I had to, Evan. You have to understand."

Buck's face hardened. "Cut the crap, Ben. Why are you really here? Because I know it's not for me."

Ben deflated. "You'll know soon enough." 

To Buck's shock, the other man got up and headed out without another word. He went after him in a hurry. "What does that mean?"

"Exactly what I said, Evan. You'll find out soon."

Buck wanted to stop following him, to not care about what he said. He knew Ben had manipulated him, but he also knew he hadn't been lying. Something was coming, and Buck wanted to at least be a little prepared for whatever life decided to throw at him next. "Tell me what's going on, Ben." He ignored him. "_Ben_."

Ben stopped in his tracks and turned to him. His whole demeanor had changed in those short few minutes. Gone were the soft looks and the wistful smiles, now there was just a cold smirk and eyes that were devoid of any emotion. Buck shivered. Despite how uncomfortable he felt, he drew closer to him, and his smirk turned into a cruel smile. "Same old Buck. You try so hard to play hard to get, but the minute the chase stops, you just come begging for the attention, huh?"

Buck felt his face heat up, and he shrunk in on himself. "That's not true," he told him, though it sounded weak to his own ears.

Ben laughed. "Then why are you following me?"

Buck clenched his jaw. "Because I know you're hiding something, and I want to know what it is."

He raised an eyebrow mockingly. "Now you want to talk?"

"Just tell me."

Ben walked over. "Do they know about you?" He asked quietly, then leaned in to whisper in his ear. "Do they know how weak, how pathetic you are? How you let daddy push you around like a-"

Buck pushed him away, his whole body shaking. Ben straightened up his suit jacket, and gave him an unimpressed look. "It's still so easy to push your buttons, Evan. You really need to work on that. You never know who might use it against you." 

Buck didn't know how it happened. It just felt like he had no control over his limbs, and in a matter of seconds, he was on him. He hit him, again and again. Ben just laughed every time Buck landed a hit, and that only fueled Buck to hit him harder. 

Then, a minute or a decade later, it was over. Strong arms pulled him off Ben, and though he tried to fight them, he was relieved. Relieved that someone had stopped him; because he wasn't sure he would've been able to stop himself. 

.

"What the hell?!"

Chimney's exclamation jolted Eddie out of his light doze. That last call had been exhausting. "What's happening?"

Bobby cursed. "Is that Buck?!"

The firetruck stopped abruptly and they all scrambled out. Eddie caught a glimpse of Bobby struggling to get Buck off of someone, and ran the short distance toward them. 

He blocked Buck's line of sight and held his face in his hands. He ignored the commotion behind them and focused on the man in front of him. Buck had a wild look in his eyes that Eddie had never seen before, and his breathing was way too fast. He tried to get past Eddie, but he didn't let him and kept holding onto him. He expected more resistance, but surprisingly, it didn't take long for Buck to deflate. His eyes welled with tears, and Eddie quickly took him into the locker room, which was fortunately empty.

Buck immediately put distance between them and started pacing. Eddie tried to stop him, but he easily sidestepped him and continued on with his frantic movements, which were frankly making him dizzy. He suddenly stilled, and then started laughing hysterically. It took Eddie a few seconds to catch up to the abrupt change. 

"Buck?" He approached him cautiously, his hands outstretched. He took a step back and away from Eddie, and slid against the lockers. He buried his hands in his hair and rested his head on his bent knees. Eddie's heart broke at how small he looked. 

"What is going on?! What the hell is happening, Eddie?" It didn't seem like a question he wanted answered, so he kept silent and listened. "First my mom and now Ben? What is this?"

"Talk to me, Buck."

Buck threw his hands up. "I don't even know where to start," Buck told him helplessly.

"How about the beginning, huh? That's always a great place to start."

Buck shook his head. "It's a lot, Eddie. There are so many things you don't know about me; things I never wanted you, or anyone else, to know."

Eddie frowned. "Why?"

"Because I was weak back then, and I did a lot of things I'm not proud of."

Eddie sat down opposite him. "And you think you're the only one with that problem, Buck?"

"I know I'm not." He lifted his head and looked him in the eye. "But I'm the one who's gonna have to share mine with all of you, aren't I?"

Eddie couldn't really dispute that. "You're right. But, we're your family, man. And it's not like any of us have any room to judge."

Buck closed his eyes and leaned his head back, banging it against the locker behind him. He went to do it again, but Eddie was up in a flash. Heput his hand on the back of his head, and used it to pull him in. Buck's arms came up around him and Eddie tightened his grip on when he felt him shaking. They stayed like that for a lot longer than was necessary and when they pulled away, Eddie smiled and wiped away a lone tear that made its way down Buck's cheek. "It's gonna be okay."

Buck nodded. "Thank you."

Eddie got up and extended a hand to Buck, pulling him up once his grip was secure. They stood like that, way too close, for a few seconds and it took all of Eddie's will power to keep his eyes from drifting to Bucks's lips. 

Buck smiled nervously and cleared his throat. Then the smile fell off his face. "How am I gonna explain this to them?"

Eddie smiled back fondly and shook his head. "You don't owe anyone an explanation, Buck. If you want to talk about it, do it in your own time. Don't rush this. If you're not up to talking about it, then don't. We'll understand."

"Yeah, I get what you're saying. Still feels like I need to explain, you know?"

"Yeah, Buck, I do. But, like I said, you really don't." He put a bit of space between them. "Why don't you take a few more minutes? Get your head on straight. I'll talk to everyone."

Buck's face softened, and a bit of the sadness cleared. "That sounds good. Seriously, Eddie, thank you."

"No need to thank me, man. I'm always here for you."

.

Eddie invited himself over that night, and Buck was very grateful for the distraction he provided. He was acting strange, though; almost restless. He'd even stopped Buck from making dinner and instead ordered takeout. It was better that way, since he wasn't in the mood for cooking, but it still made him suspicious. 

They were in the kitchen, Eddie nursing a beer and Buck making a salad, when the other man cleared his throat.

"Hey, what're you doing tomorrow?"

Buck shrugged. "Not much."

He chuckled. "You forgot, didn't you?" 

Buck put the knife down and turned to him with a frown. "Forgot what?"

"The science fair? It's tomorrow. "

Buck cursed and and closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Eddie, I completely forgot."

Eddie waved him off. "It's no problem, seriously. With everything that happened, I don't blame you for forgetting."

"Still."

He sounded miserable, and could tell Eddie was amused by it. Buck knew it was a bit of a overreaction; it wasn't like he missed the thing, but Buck remembered what it felt like to wait for someone to come, only to have them not show up. 

"Buck, it's fine. It's not like you missed it."

He rolled his eyes at Eddie, who just laughed at him, then picked up the knife again. 

When the doorbell rang, Buck thought it was their takeout. He was about to go open the door when Eddie beat him to it, and hurried out. Buck shook his head with a grin. He would figure out what the hell had gotten into the other man soon enough; the night was still young.

The sound of footsteps, from multiple people jolted him out of his thoughts. When he turned; he saw the team standing before him and felt the tears gather in his eyes. 

"Surprise," Hen said with a wide grin. 

Buck laughed and it set them in motion. The first one to hug him was Hen; it was tight but short and was coupled with a small smile. She stepped sideways and allowed Chimney to take her place. The other man clapped his shoulder and ruffled his hair a bit, and Buck pushed him away playfully. Bobby, who had waited patiently on the side, stepped up to him and pulled him into his arms gently. Buck found himself burying his head in the man's neck, holding on a little too tightly for longer than necessary. Bobby didn't seem to care, though, and only tightened his arms around him. Buck pulled away first, and Bobby gave him a small smile, his hand on the nape of Buck's neck. "Okay?"

Buck nodded once. "Yeah, cap."

The older man smiled, pleased. "Good man."

They had dinner in his living room. Bobby, Chimney and Hen squeezed together on the sofa, Buck, Chimney and Eddie on the ground. It was easy and light and so warm that it made him feel safe enough to _want_ to talk to them about what happened today, and what led up to it. 

"Guys, I- there's something I need to tell you." He rubbed his sweaty hands on his jeans and laughed nervously. "What happened today was- I shouldn't have lost my temper like that. It's just that- I- wow, this is gonna be hard."

"You don't have to tell us anything right now, Buck. We had dinner, we had a good time, that can be enough, if you're not ready to talk about it," Bobby told him softly, and the rest just nodded their agreement. 

Buck took a deep breath. "Waiting isn't gonna make any of this easier. So why wait, right?"

Eddie squeezed his shoulder in support and Buck put his hand on his and lingered there for a couple of seconds, letting him know with that simple touch how grateful he was for him. 

"I met Ben when I was seventeen. His dad and mine were like brothers, so we spent a lot of time together." He looked down at his hands, avoiding everyone's eyes. "He was the only person who noticed me back then. My father seemed to forget I existed most of the time; my mom had left years ago by then, Maddie too, and school was hell. I was pretty much alone, and then this guy is just- there all the time. Asking me about my day, the music I liked and- " he looked up to gauge their reactions and was relieved to see they were listening with, nothing but sympathy and a little curiosity on their faces. He blew out a breath and continued on before he could lose his nerve. "He was the only one who treated me like- like I wasn't invisible, like I mattered. Felt like he was the only one who gave a damn about me. And I fell for him. Hard."

_Holy shit, he'd just come out to his team._

He tried to take in their reactions at once, and mostly succeeded. They all looked sad, and he hated that he was the reason for it. Bobby and Chimney seemed faintly surprised, but Hen wasn't. Now, for the hardest part; Eddie. He turned his head sideways and when they locked eyes, Buck saw sorrow and understanding in Eddie's. There was also a glint of something he wasn't sure he could identify lurking beneath the surface. 

"What happened, then? What changed?" Chimney asked. Buck, startled, quickly looked away from Eddie. He was quiet for a few seconds, trying to find a way to tell them without losing himself in the past and all the feelings talking about it dredged up. 

"We were together for about a year. I was so happy back then, the happiest I had ever been, but only when I was with him. Things at school were still bad, and they were even worse at home. So, we decided to leave whene I turned eighteen, had it all planned. I was so happy about that; that I would be free, tgat I would get to live my life with the man I loved." He felt a lone tear make it's way down his cheek, and closed his eyes to prevent others from escaping. 

He felt a hand on his arm and opened his eyes to see Bobby crouched down beside him. "Buck, you don't have to tell us any more than you already have. It's okay."

He shook his head adamantly. "I need to get this out. If I don't do it now, I never will."

"And that would be okay, Buckaroo," Hen told him. "It's yours to tell. Like Bobby said, you don't have to tell us the rest."

Buck smiled at them gratefully. "Thank you. But," he shook his head, "I want to do this. I've kept this bottled up for so long- I need this, okay?"

"We're listening," Bobby told him. He settled on the ground beside him. 

"He got us the tickets, and everything was going according to plan." His voice hitched, and he rubbed a hand against his eyes. "That is, until I got to where he said we should meet and found my dad instead of him."

"That son of a bitch," Eddie hissed. Buck smiled at him sadly, and Eddie returned it with a smile of his own. "You didn't deserve that, Buck."

He shrugged. "Dad told me he offered him a job at the company if he left me, and he agreed. I never understood why he needed it, or why it was so easy for him to leave me when the money he had in his bank account was enough for him to never have to work a day in his life." He turned to Eddie, who was watching him with a soft look that made Buck want to crawl into his lap and hide his face into his chest, just to block out the memories. "That day at the grocery store? That was the first time I'd seen him in ten years."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, kid," Bobby told him, his hand still on his arm, anchoring him.

Buck shrugged. "I'm over it, or- at least I thought I was. I got out eventually. It wasn't easy, but I made it work, and I had Maddie there to help me after I left."

"Buck, your dad-"

He cut Hen off. "I don't want to talk about him."

She accepted that immediately, to Buck's relief. 

After a minute of tense silence, during which no one knew what to say, Chimney broke the silence. "Well, that was depressing. Anyone up for a movie?" 

Buck barked out a surprised laugh, and the rest joined in. "Sounds good, Chim." 

Bobby and Hen opted out. Eddie and Chim stayed though; Eddie because Christopher was at his abuela's for the the night, and Chimney because Maddie had a shift.

Buck walked Bobby and Hen to the door, and Hen pulled him into a tight hug. "I'm so glad you're here. You're one of the strongest people I know, never forget that, do you hear me?"

He nodded because he didn't trust himself to speak without crying all over her and smiled. She left with a small wave. 

Bobby lingered, and when he pulled him into a hug, Buck was overwhelmed by the feeling of saftey that overtook him. "You deserve a lot better than what you got, kid. And none of it was your fault. Remember that."

"Thanks, Bobby. Means a lot," he chocked out.

"You're a part of this family, kid. _My_ family. Don't ever forget it."

Bobby didn't give him a chance to respond, just squeezed his neck in comfort and left.

"Buck! what's taking so long?!" Chimney hollered from the living room.

Buck rolled his eyes. "I'm comin-" He'd been closing the door, but was met with resistance. He looked back and saw a hand keeping his door open. Buck frowned and opened it wider. 

He couldn't move. Every part of him froze, and he couldn't breathe right; his chest felt too tight. In that moment, Buck felt like he was a kid again; weak and pathetic and so, so scared. 

It couldn't be him. 

_It couldn't be him._

"Hello, son." The man smiled. "It's been a while."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Please let me know in the comments what you thought?
> 
> A couple of questions.  
1\. Do you guys like it when scenes like the one with Lena, and Hannah for example are added? The ones not directly related to the story but she'd some light on things?
> 
> 2\. I added a bit of Lena here because I wanted you guys to decide: do you want me to add a few scenes with her, maybe a friendship with Buck and being a Buddie shipper, or do you want her gone? I made it seem like it could go both ways to know what you thought.


	4. You Stayed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  
I can't believe it's been almost three months since I updated. If anybody is still resding this story, Thank you and I hope you like it <3

Every part of Buck froze at the sight of his father on his doorstep. It wasn't something he'd ever thought could happen, because he knew his father had washed his hands of him the day Buck had left everything behind and walked away from him.

He still looked the same as he did the last time Buck saw him; face expressionless and eyes cold as ever. This felt like a nightmare, one he desperately wanted to wake up from. He wanted nothing more than to shut the door in his face and pretend this never happened, but the thing was, he knew his father wouldn't take no for an answer. He would make a scene, and Buck didn't want Eddie and Chimney to catch a glimpse of the shit show that was his relationship with his father. His plan for tonight had been to talk to the team about Ben, and maybe fill them in on his father's role in what happened, but when Athena had asked about his father, the mere thought of talking about him had suffocated him and he'd chickened out. He'd assumed he was over everything his father had put him through just because it wasn't on the forefront of his mind like it had been years ago, thought it was a wound that had healed, but he had been so very wrong.

He must've taken too much time to respond or show a reaction, because his father made a move to come inside. Buck was finally able to shake himself out of his shocked state and quickly blocked the door, making it clear that he wasn't welcome. There was the telltale clench of his jaw that meant he was getting angry, but Buck's shock had morphed into anger and he was mad enough that he didn't care.

His dad took a step forward and Buck had to fight every instinct that told him to move back, and instead stood rooted to the spot, defiant.

"Why are you here?" Buck hissed through gritted teeth.

His father raised an eyebrow, mockingly. Buck deflated, and felt incredibly small, and then there was that little voice in the back of his mind that mocked him for it; ten years later, and his dad could still make him feel like he was nothing but a small, pathetic child. "Did you finally grow a backbone?"

Buck closed his eyes and tried to even his breathing. "Why are you here?" He repeated the question, and his father rolled his eyes.

"Buck! What's taking so long?!" Eddie's voice, though exasperated, sounded fond, and there was a hint of a laugh there. Against all odds, hearing Eddie's voice was what he needed in that moment; it reminded him that he wasn't alone, that he wasn't a kid anymore.

"I'm coming!" He turned to his father, and raised an eyebrow. "Well?"

"Where is your mother, Evan? Is she here?"

Buck frowned. His father actually sounded like he cared, sounded worried even. "She's not here. How- why do you care? She left you twenty years ago."

He glared at him. "Yes, well, she came back to me two years ago."

Buck couldn't help it; he laughed. "Oh man, that is the worst lie you've ever told."

"It's not a lie," he snapped at him. Buck stopped laughing abruptly. Even though he didn't want to, he actually believed him. "Your mother did come back to me, and now she's gone again and I need to find her. I know she came to you, Evan. Now, tell me where she is."

Here's the thing; his father loved his mother to the point of obsession, whereas she loved him only when it suited her. When she'd left them, Buck had watched him fall apart and lose himself piece by piece at an agonizingly slow pace, until he could barely recognize him by the time he left. His love for her was unhealthy, and if the look of feral panic he was trying to hide was an indication, that hadn't changed.

It scared him to see his father like that; it meant that something really bad had happened, or was about to happen, to his mother. Still, since he wasn't sure what had happened, or if his father should know where his mother was, he did the only thing he felt he could do; he told the lie that was closest to the truth.

"I told you, she's gone. I don't know where she is, okay? I haven't seen mom in five years."

"Don't lie to me!" His father advanced on him, his eyes filled to the brim with fury and Buck took an involuntary step back. He stopped just inches away from him, towering over him, and gave him a patronizing look. "You can pretend to be strong all you want, but deep down, you're still the same weak, scared little boy you always were."

Buck flinched, shaking his head. "I'm not."

He laughed cruelly and waved his words away dismissively. "I asked you once, I won't ask again. Where is she?"

Buck said nothing.

"Where is your mother?" His father shouted.

Buck stumbled back, shrinking in on himself. Suddenly, he wasn't twenty seven, in his own home, with his friends in the next room. No, he was six years old, his mother had just left and his father; drunk and angrier than he'd ever seen him, was accusing him of driving his mother away.

He was nine, Maddie had left for college even though he'd begged her to stay, and his father was screaming at him that he was the reason she left them, the reason everyone left them.

He was ten, and he was lying on the floor, in a pool of glass and his own blood, wondering if the words his dad was throwing at him like knives ("This is your fault" and "You made me do this" and "You had this coming") were actually true.

He was-

Buck felt a hand on his cheek, and he flinched away, stumbling backwards into the wall. Everything was static, and he could hear nothing but the loud pounding of his heart in his chest. He slid down the wall and landed hard on the ground, his shaking hands covering his ears as if that would stop the words from so long ago from echoing in his head.

There were hands covering his, pulling them away from his ears, and, again, he flinched away from the touch, his hands sliding down into his lap. "Buck?!"

That wasn't his father's voice.

"Buck! Damn it, open your eyes and look at me."

Buck opened his eyes, not aware he'd closed them until Eddie had pointed it out. He saw Eddie, crouched down with his hands extended towards him, a couple of feet away. "Is he gone?" He whispered.

Eddie's concern was palpable. "Is who gone, Buck? Who was at the door?"

"No one."

"Buck, come on." He looked up to see Chimney move closer, looking skeptical and worried. "Was it your dad?"

He shook his head and saw Chimney and Eddie exchange a look. It pissed him off, as irrational as that was. "It was no one," he snapped.

Chimney put his hands up and backed off, shaking his head. Eddie, on the other hand, merely pursed his lips before he slowly extended a hand to Buck, silently offering to help him up.

Buck hesitated but took the offered hand. Eddie easily lifted him up and he stumbled into him. His heart beat loudly in his chest and when he felt the heat radiating from Eddie's body, and he barely kept himself from collapsing into the other man. He nervously wrapped his arms around his own waist, avoiding the other man's eyes, and entered the kitchen. He opened the cabinet and took out a glass, only noticing the tremor in his hands when he tried to fill it with water and ended up with more water in the sink than inside the glass. He closed his eyes and tried to count his breaths in a futile effort to calm himself down. He vaguely registered Chimney saying something then the sound of his door closing. He slowly brought the glass to his lips, taking small sips. A hand on his shoulder startled him badly enough that he dropped the glass to the ground.

"Damn it!"

He bent down to collect the broken glass, and when a hand shot out to grab his wrist, he reacted out of instinct and pushed the hand away roughly. Eddie rocked back on his heels, obviously surprised, and Buck swallowed down his guilt and got back to cleaning up the mess without a word.

"Buck, would you stop? You're gonna hurt yourself."

He knew Eddie meant well, but his words only made him angrier. "I'm not a kid, Eddie. I can handle cleanin- shit."

Eddie snatched his bleeding hand and brought it closer to his face for inspection. He was close, too close, and Buck felt the walls closing in on him. He snatched his hand away and cradled it closer to his chest.

"Buck, don't be stubborn. Let me look at it."

"I can handle it."

"Buck-"

"Goddamn it, Eddie, _stop_! Just stop, okay? Fucking leave it."

Eddie reeled back in shock. "I just want to help, man."

"I don't want your help. I want you to leave, Eddie."

"Buck-"

"_Leave_! I don't want you here."

They were both silent for a few seconds, and Eddie clenched his jaw. Buck wanted to apologize more than anything, but what came out was a whispered plea.

"Please, just leave me alone."

Eddie looked away, and Buck could see how upset he was. He left and his footsteps, light as they were, were like a knife to his chest. He wanted to stop him, to beg him to stay so badly he could hardly breathe, but he couldn’t get himself to say the words. Because while he normally didn't shy away from comfort, showing weakness now by breaking down in front of someone, even if it was Eddie, felt like a confirmation of his father's words, a confirmation that he was weak, that he was pathetic.

His hand was still bleeding, but he didn't care, just sat on the floor, surrounded by broken glass and thoughts so loud he wanted to bang his head against the floor.

He heard the sound of the door opening and then closing, and realized right then that he was truly alone. Only then did he allow the tears to fall. At first, his tears were silent, but then the pressure that built up in his chest was too much and a sob was ripped out of his chest, the sound raw and ugly and loud in the empty space.

Strong, gentle arms wrapped around him from behind and Buck was pulled back and into a warm embrace. The relief was so staggering that he forgot about his father, forgot about his need to prove his strength to a man that was never there, and let himself be held. He twisted around awkwardly and threw himself into Eddie's waiting arms. His best friend adjusted them into a more comfortable position on the floor, and Buck felt like a ragdoll; tired and boneless. Eddie clutched him to his chest and allowed him to cry, not saying a word, and he loved him. Buck had tried so hard to deny and hide and ignore his feelings for Eddie, but right now, all he could think about was how much Eddie meant to him. The other man was truly a godsend and Buck was so grateful for having him in his life he could burst with it.

"I'm sorry, Eddie," he whispered into his best friend's neck. Eddie stroked his hair and tightened his arm around him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He repeated it like a mantra, over and over.

"Shh, it's okay. It's okay, Buck, I get it. It's okay."

He didn't know how long they stayed like that, but by the time Eddie dragged him up from the floor, up the stairs and sat him onto his bed, Buck was fighting to keep his eyes open. Eddie disappeared and then reappeared, and though he heard him say something, it didn't register in Buck's foggy mind. What did register, however, was the pain from his hand. A little more alert than he was seconds ago, Buck looked down to see Eddie crouched down in front of him, the first aid kit opened beside him. He watched him work quietly and efficiently, and all he could think was: I don't deserve this man. He'd snapped at him, basically kicked him out, and yet here he was, taking care of him.

Once he was finished, Eddie got up and guided Buck to lie down. He didn't resist, and his eyes didn't leave Eddie. The other man helped him get his feet up on the bed and then covered him with the comforter. Buck closed his eyes, and opened them again when he felt fingers run through his hair. His eyes locked with Eddie's, who was sitting on the ground by his bed, and he slowly pulled his hand away. Buck felt the loss immensely but didn't comment.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Eddie smiled softly. "You've got nothing to thank me for, Buck."

"You came back. You stayed," though his words were slurred, Buck knew the other man heard them. "Only one," he mumbled, his eyes drifting closed before he could hear Eddie's response, or see his reaction.

.

When Buck woke up, his hand sore and his head pounding, the first thing he did was check if Eddie was still there.

When he got downstairs, he was surprised to see Maddie sitting at the table, nursing a cup of coffee. He wondered who told her; Eddie or Chimney. Buck sighed and made his way to her. He sat down opposite her and smiled knowingly. “Who told you?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Good morning to you, too, Buck.”

Buck rolled his eyes. “Good morning, Maddie. Who told you?”

“Chimney told me what happened,” she answered with a grin.” But Eddie just told me I needed to be here. He was vague on the details. Sounded worried, too.”

Buck just nodded and tried not to think about Eddie and why he hadn’t stuck around or what he was going to tell him when he saw him next. 

“Do you want some coffee? It’s still hot.”

“Maddie.”

She stopped halfway out of her chair. “What?”

Buck gave her a look. “Just ask.”

She sat back down with a heavy sigh. “Was dad really here last night?” She asked him quietly. Buck looked down at his hands and nodded. “When Chim told me, I was sure he misunderstood. The thought of Dad coming to see you is so-“she trailed off, unable to find the words. Buck didn’t blame her. His sister didn’t know everything about what went down with their father, but she knew enough to recognize that there would have to be a really good reason for him to show up to his doorstep.

“Buck, What happened last night?”

He laced his fingers together and squeezed, the pressure grounding him. “He wanted to know where mom is. Didn’t believe me when I told him I didn’t know.”

“And?” she prompted him gently.

“And nothing. That’s it.”

“Buck. Look at me.” He did, and when he saw the pity in her eyes he wanted to look away. She grabbed his hands in hers and pursed her lips. “The way Chim described your reaction made it seem like something else happened.”

He closed his eyes and withdrew his hand from hers. “Maddie, let’s not do this, okay?”

She shook her head and looked to the side, and Buck saw a tear slide down her cheek. “Maddie-“

“When I left for college, it was the most selfish thing I ever did,” she started, and he saw her lips tremble. He opened his mouth to contradict her, but she shook her head. “I know what you’re gonna say, but let me finish, alright? I feel like this is a talk we should’ve had a long time ago.”

He nodded hesitantly and watched his sister visibly pull herself together.

“I remember the night before I left when you came into my room and you slipped into my bed. I pretended to be asleep, you know that? I listened to you cry that night, I cried with you, and I didn’t sleep a wink that night; just hugged you and stayed up watching you sleep. I regret not talking to you more before I left so much, Buck.”

“Maddie, it’s okay,” he told her with a shaky smile.

She shook her head, more tears spilling. “The screwed up thing is, I feel like that’s how our relationship has always been. I wasn’t a very good big sister, was I?”

He glared at her. “Don’t say that, Maddie. Mom had just left, Dad was- Dad was Dad and you couldn’t have just put your life on hold for me, alright? I never once blamed you for anything, because I knew it wasn’t your responsibility to take care of me.”

She put her head in her hands and her shoulders heaved. “I was selfish.”

“You were just a _kid_,” he countered.

She shook her head. “So were you, Buck. I’m your older sister and I should’ve looked out for you.” She swiped a hand across her eyes and shook her head. “I could’ve gone to a school closer to home. I could’ve visited more often. But I was just so selfish and I wanted to be as far away from that house as possible. I never considered that you might’ve felt the same.”

“You. Were. Just. A kid.”

“I was eighteen, Buck.”

He shrugged and smiled sadly at her, and she smiled back, but there was sadness in her expression.

Maddie scooted her chair closer to his and put her arms around him. Buck buried his face in her hair and closed his eyes. “What did he do to you?” She asked him quietly and he stiffened.

Maddie noticed and immediately pulled back. “Buck, what did dad do to you?”

“Last night was nothing,” he said with a shrug, aiming for nonchalant but coming short.

“I wasn’t talking about last night.”

“Maddie, it was a long time ago.” He got up, making an escape to the kitchen.

“I think you need to talk about this, Buck.” She followed after him and he tried not to lose his temper.

“I don’t want to talk about this, so just leave it, Maddie.”

“No,” she said stubbornly. “Buck, was he- Did dad ever- was he abusive?”

Buck froze and said nothing, keeping his back to her.

He heard a sharp intake of breath. “Buck, did Dad abuse you?” She repeated, voice shaking.

“_Yes_! Yes, he was abusive, Maddie.” He turned to her and glared, his chest heaving. Buck was so angry right now that he could barely see straight and he barely noticed that Maddie was sobbing after his words. “Are you happy now? Huh? Did that make you feel better?” He spat out, his whole body shaking.

She shook her head, still crying, and her shoulders curled inwards. “I’m sorry,” she barely managed to get the words out. “I never- I just thought you two didn’t get along.”

Buck immediately felt guilty for upsetting her and opened his arms for her. She crossed the distance between them, and instead of folding into his arms like he expected her to, she surprised him when she pulled him into a tight hug; one arm around his shoulder and the other stroking his hair. He closed his eyes and allowed a few tears to fall into the crook of his sister’s neck. This was the first time he’d told anyone about his father’s abuse, and he was relieved that Maddie believed him without question.

A few minutes later, they were sitting on his couch, facing each other. Buck mostly avoided her eyes and rubbed his hands together nervously. “What I said earlier wasn’t exactly accurate,” he started. Buck cleared his throat and continued, “He wasn’t- Dad mostly ignored me. And when it was more than that, it was mostly talk, you know?”

Her nostrils flared and she looked pissed. Buck hoped she wasn’t pissed at him. “Mostly?”

He winced, scratched his forehead and did his best to find a way to backtrack. “Not- He only hit me a few times, Maddie. Nothing really major, you know?”

She laughed incredulously. “Are you listening to yourself right now?” She exclaimed. She framed his face with her hands, forcing him to look into her eyes. “Buck, don’t belittle this, alright? Now tell me the truth; how bad was it?”

Buck’s shoulders slumped and he shrugged. “He said a lot of awful things about me, and he said them enough times that I eventually started believing them, you know? I wasn’t lying when I said it was nothing major, Maddie. There was only one time that-“He stopped abruptly and clamped his mouth shut. He hadn’t meant to say that, mostly because it would only add to Maddie’s guilt, which was the last thing he wanted to do.

“One time that what, Buck? What did he do?”

Buck took in a shaky breath. “He was drunk, and it was their anniversary. I tried to hide out in my room, but I wasn’t fast enough and he saw me before I could make it up the stairs,” he paused, needing to ground himself. “At first, it was just words. He blamed me for mom leaving, claimed I ruined their lives from the moment I was born. But then he- he grabbed me and he-“She pulled his shaking hands into her warm ones and gave them a comforting squeeze. It took him longer than it should have to realize her hands were shaking too. Buck wondered if he should stop. It was tempting, that was for sure, but there was a part of him that needed to get the words out. He needed to say them out loud. “He picked me up and threw me across the room. I fell onto the glass table in the living room. I broke my arm and I had a few cuts that needed stiches.”

“_I’m sorry_. I’m so sorry I left you with him. I’m so sorry.”

Buck sniffled and let out a breath. “He sent me to a boarding school the very next day, you know. I liked to pretend it was because he never wanted to hurt me ever again.”

Maddie sobbed and covered her mouth with one hand, her eyes squeezed shut. Buck wanted to comfort her, but she got up before he could put an arm around her. She paced a hole in the floor, and her movements were almost manic; something that worried Buck immensely.

“Maddie, come sit down.”

She shook her head and held up a hand when she saw he was about to get up. She glared at him. “You told me you broke your arm because stupid _Chad_ dared you to. You told me you were happy at that school. You lied to me!”

Buck laughed. “What was I supposed to do, huh? What could you have done to change anything?”

“I would’ve taken you to live with me, Evan.”

He shook his head sadly. “That- Maddie, come on.”

“What?!”

He pinned her with an incredulous look. “You know what,” he told her, not wanting to say the words out loud.

Her lips trembled. “What?” The one word question was a shaky whisper and from the look on her face, she already knew what he meant.

“I didn’t think you’d come for me.”

She drew in a sharp breath and then nodded wordlessly. He immediately felt the guilt creep in and cursed his stupidity; he knew he should’ve kept his mouth shut.

“Mads, I’m sorry.”

She laughed hysterically. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Evan. You were probably right to think that. I- I-“

His phone alarm went off, cutting her off, and he was so relieved that his knees nearly buckled. He didn’t remember setting an alarm this late in the morning, but he was thankful for it anyway.

“I’ll just check that, okay?” He informed her quietly. She nodded, and took the opportunity to turn away from him. Buck all but ran to the kitchen table, where he’d left his phone. He cursed when he saw what was on the screen.

CHRISTOPHER SCIENCE FAIR.

“Maddie,” he started apologetically, “I have to go.”

She smiled, there were tear tracks on her face and the smile she gave him was so shaky and fake that he wasn’t sure he could even call it a smile. He went up to her and hugged her tightly. “I love you so much. And I know you love me, Mads. The rest doesn’t really matter all that much. Okay?”

She nodded and kissed his cheek. “Okay.”

He hugged her again and then tore up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Thinking about what he should wear was the best distraction, as he had no idea what he was supposed to wear to his best friend's son school event. In the end, he settled for a blue Henley and grey jeans. Once he was done, he checked the time and realized he had about fifteen minutes to get there, and with his luck, traffic would be hell. He really didn't want to be late, especially since Christopher wanted him there. He knew the boy wouldn't really care if he didn't make it since he had his father there, but Buck really wanted to keep his word and be there for the boy.

Surprisingly, traffic wasn't that bad and he was only five minutes late. He looked around and spotted Eddie and Christopher almost instantly. Eddie disappeared from view, and once Buck got closer, he saw that he was crouched down, hands on Christopher’s shoulders, speaking in low tones to the little boy.

"Hey, you two!"

Christopher's head whipped to the side, and he smiled so brightly that Buck felt, even if for a moment, that everything was okay in his world. "Buck! You came." He slowly walked over to him and Buck crouched down just in time to hug him.

"Of course I came. I wouldn't miss it, you know that."

Christopher nodded, and then looked up at his father, who Buck noticed was smiling softly at him. Up until now, Buck had avoided looking at Eddie, fearing what his reaction would be after last night.

He'd spent the ride over thinking up scenarios on how this could go; they had ranged from Eddie pretending like last night didn't happen and going about things normally, to him giving him the cold shoulder and/or telling him to leave, which Buck knew, in the back of his mind, was ridiculous. Didn't stop him from freaking out about it, though.

"Hey," Eddie greeted him quietly.

Buck grinned. "Hi."

"Dad, I'm gonna go talk to Lilly!"

"Alright, kid. Be careful and keep an ear out for when your teacher tells you to go to your station. We'll be here, okay?"

"Okay!"

They watched make his way to his friend slowly, before Eddie turned to him. "Glad you could make it. I thought after last night you might not be up to it."

Buck just shrugged. "It's for Chris."

Eddie's face softened. "Thank you. He tried to hide it, but I knew he was disappointed when he thought you weren't coming."

Buck stared at him incredulously. "Really?"

"Yeah, really," Eddie told him, and his tone implied that this shouldn't be news to him. "You know you're really important to him, Buck, right?"

He didn't know how to answer that. He loved Christopher, and knew the kid loved him too, but the kid loved everyone. He wasn't anything special. "I know that, I just-" he didn't know how to continue, so he just hitched his shoulders up, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was headed to.

Eddie must have sensed this, because he clapped him on the shoulder. "He only asked for you to come, you know. He didn't invite anyone else." He said it casually, like the words wouldn't knock the breath right out of his chest, and then slowly made his way forward, probably giving Buck time to pull himself together.

They walked side by side, comfortably silent, and looked around. Everywhere around them, there were couples with their kids, Buck realized. He'd expected it, but it still made him feel awkward, being here as a family friend. People will most definitely find it weird. Christopher's teacher, who he recognized from the few times he'd picked the boy up or dropped him off to school, came over to say hi.

Buck left her and Eddie to discuss Christopher and wandered off, checking out the other kids’ projects. He still didn't know what Christopher's was since the boy wanted it to be a surprise, but some the others' were truly impressive. He was checking out a kid's Lemon power generator-cool concept, but poor execution- when someone bumped into him from behind. He turned around and came face to face with a man around his age. He looked frazzled and way out of his depth, but he still smiled when Buck turned around. "Sorry, man. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

Buck waved him off. "It's alright, no harm done."

"So, who's yours?” The man blurted out.

Buck eyed him and decided that he seemed harmless enough. "I'm here with my friend. That's his kid there," he said, pointing at where Christopher was standing.

The man brightened. "Christopher, right?!"

Buck's eyebrows hit his hairline. "Yeah. How do you know him?"

"Oh, he's Lilly's best friend. And I'm dating her mom. I've picked her up a couple of times, so I've seen them together."

Buck smiled. "They're practically attached at the hip, huh?"

The man laughed. "Oh, yeah. She's always talking about him. They do everything together at school."

They lapsed into silence, and Buck noticed the man looking at where Lilly was every few seconds. He told himself to stay out of it, but Buck was too curious to be able to pull that off. "You okay, man?"

"Oh, yeah, just-" he pursed his lips and blew out a breath. "Her mom can't make it today. She just told me. And now I'm responsible for this kid all on my own and I don't know if I'm gonna be any good at it," he blurted out, then blushed, clearing his throat.

Buck smiled, amused. "I get it, man. When I had to take care of Christopher on my own the first time, I had a ten minute breakdown." He purposefully left out the part about the tsunami, and continued, "you want my advice?"

"Please."

"Just enjoy your day with her. Keep it simple. Don't think about the things that could go wrong. You obviously care about the kid, and that's enough for now."

The other man blew out a breath. "You're right." He smiled, holding out a hand. "I'm Carl by the way."

Buck shook the extended hand. "Buck."

"Nice to meet you, Buck. Guess I'll see you around?"

Buck nodded. "Sure."

He watched the man move toward the stall Lilly and Christopher were at, and smiled when he saw there were no traces of nervousness left in his behavior when he greeted the little girl, who excitedly jumped into his arms when she spotted him. It hit him then how similar that scene was to his and Christopher's usual greeting. 

Eddie chose that moment to come up to him, and Buck was grateful for the excuse to halt that train of thought. "Hey, you ready to see Christopher's project?"

"Yeah, of course!"

"He worked really hard on it, you know. And he can't wait for you to see it."

Buck smiled softly. "I can't wait either."

They walked side by side, both greeting other parents they came across. Buck noticed Eddie giving him a weird look. "What?"

"How do you know almost everyone?"

"I met them whenever I came to pick up Chris."

Eddie shook his head with a laugh. "Took me a year to get to know these people, and you did it in what- a couple of visits to the school to pick Christopher up? Unbelievable."

Buck just grinned. "What can I say? People find me irresistible."

Eddie rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah." When Christopher saw they were headed his way, the kid lit up like a Christmas tree. Buck walked ahead of Eddie and got to the kid first. He ruffled his hair and crouched down beside him. "You ready to show me that project of yours, kid?"

Christopher nodded enthusiastically.

Buck nodded back. "Good, because the wait is killing me, little dude."

The little boy giggled shortly, then started opening up the carton box from the sides. Buck's jaw dropped when he saw the project for the first time, and he heard a few oohs and ahhs coming from people around them. It really was impressive, and he knew from what Eddie told him here and there that the kid did it mostly by himself.

"What do you think, Buck?" He asked nervously. Eddie was now behind him, hands on both shoulders, and he looked smug. Buck almost laughed, because he looked like such a dad right now, so proud that the look on his face screamed 'yep, that's my kid right here'.

Buck's eyes returned to Christopher, and he smiled so widely his cheeks hurt. "I think it's the best project ever, little man! You did a really good job!" He took a step closer and admired the work. It was a miniature solar system, complete with the planets orbiting around the sun in slow circles. Everything was so detailed; it was like looking at the real thing. In the background, there were a few constellations, some of which Buck recognized because he used to be obsessed with stars as a kid and it was something that stuck with him. "How did you do all this, Chris?! Look at the sun! Oh man, it looks so real."

Christopher was buzzing like an Energizer bunny, grinning up at Buck. Before he could say anything, a teacher tapped the microphone and everyone turned their attention to her.

"Hello, everyone, and welcome to our school's very first science fair! I'm miss Amy Sullivan, the 9th grade science teacher and I'd like to thank you all for coming. And a special thank you to my kids, who are some of the brightest students I've ever taught, for working so hard on their projects!"

Buck had never been to a school science fair before, so he listened attentively when she began explaining what they were supposed to be doing. All they had to do was stand there while Ms. Sullivan, along with the principal and another teacher made their rounds, checking out all the projects, so that by the end, they would announce the top three. Buck was confident Christopher would be one of them.

They talked to pass the time, and Buck noticed ten minutes later that Christopher wasn't participating. He and Eddie exchanged a look, and Eddie shook his head, so they let the kid be. He was probably nervous, and Buck couldn't blame him.

"So, what are we doing after this? Lunch or ice-cream?"

Eddie smiled. "I don't know. What do you think, Chris?"

Christopher seemed to mull it over. "Ice-cream," he told them quietly.

Buck offered him a hand, and the boy slapped his over it. "Good man."

Eddie shook his head at his antics, and stepped a little closer to him.

"How are you doing, Buck?"

The question caught him off guard, and he tried his best not show it. "I'm okay." It wasn't exactly a lie. Being here, with Eddie and Christopher, it was doing wonders in terms of helping him forget about his problems. He really hoped Eddie would let this go now and just let him live in denial for another couple of hours.

"What happened yesterday, Buck?"

Buck looked away from his concerned, piercing eyes and tried to come up with something that will effectively stop this conversation from continuing. "I don't want to talk about it, Eddie."

"Buck," Eddie sighed.

"I don't want to talk about it, Eddie. I don't even want to think about it. I just want to be here, with you and Chris and not have to think about last night, okay?"

Eddie softened, and Buck let out a relieved sigh. "Okay."

"Okay."

.........

When it was Christopher's turn, Buck was probably more nervous than the kid was. He started explaining things, his voice steady, and Buck was impressed. He'd always known the kid was smart, but to see it in action was a whole other story. Christopher had even made a simulation of how the eclipse happens, and Buck felt oddly proud when he saw the impressed looks on the teacher's faces. From the look on his face, Buck knew Eddie felt the same.

After they finished looking at the projects, Ms. Sullivan announced that everyone was free to explore and see other projects. Christopher assured them that he was okay and all but shooed them out of his station to look at other projects. They did as they were told, and five minutes later, they were both doing a piss poor job of pretending they weren't scoping out the competition. After he saw Christopher's project, a lot of the ones he thought were impressive before now seemed mediocre at best.

"I may be biased, but I think Christopher's project was the best," Buck whispered in Eddie's ear.

"They're all pretty good, Buck."

Buck stopped and raised his eyebrows at him, not buying that for one second. 

Eddie gave up the pretense of acting like an adult and smiled smugly. "But Chris' is probably the best."

They laughed quietly, heads close together, like a couple of teenagers. They continued walking for a bit and when Buck felt Eddie's eyes on him, he turned his head to the side and caught him looking. The look on his face was unreadable, and it confused him. "What?"

Eddie shrugged. "Nothing."

Buck narrowed his eyes at him. "Come on, man, what was that look?"

Eddie chuckled. "I can't look at you now?" He teased him.

Buck rolled his eyes. "Fine. Don't tell me." He walked ahead of him, and heard him laugh. He caught up to him and poked him in the side.

"I'm just really glad you showed up, Buck." He told him quietly, seriously. "You keep surprising me, you know. The things you do for Christopher and I-" Eddie shook his head, his eyes full of gratitude and awe. "Not a lot of people would do what you-"

Buck cursed when his phone rang, and he was about to just decline the call and put it on silent when he saw Athena's name on his screen. He frowned, knowing there was no reason she would call him at a time like this unless something happened. His hands shook as thoughts of something happening to his friends, to Bobby, raced through his head.

He flashed the screen in Eddie's direction before he quickly answered. "Athena? Is everyone okay?"

She was silent for a few seconds and his heart sank. "Bobby and the others are fine, Buck." But that didn't seem to be the end of it.

"What's going on? You're really scaring me, Athena."

He heard her take a deep breath, seemingly bracing herself. "I have an Elaine Buckley at my station. I arrested her yesterday because she started a fight in a bar."

He sighed and hung his head. "God." Eddie was trying to get his attention, but he just held up a hand.

"Your mom?" Athena asked.

"Yeah."

"I didn't even know your mother was in town." There was a hint of hurt in her words, and he shrugged, though he knew she wouldn't see him.

"My mom is an addict, and a drunk. She never stays long, so I didn't see the point in introducing any of you to her." He avoided looking at Eddie when he said those words, already dreading the moment he would have to face him.

"You gonna bail her out?" She asked like it was a genuine choice, with no judgment in her words, and he loved her for it.

But he didn't have a choice, not really.

_Fuck my life._

"Sure."

.

When he told Eddie, his face fell, though he was quick to hide his disappointment, and Buck wanted to take it back. He told him that he would wait until they announced the winner, but the other man insisted that he couldn't just leave his mother in jail. He tried to argue that thirty minutes wouldn't change anything, but Eddie was adamant. 

Telling Christopher was worst.

He crouched down beside him and put his hands on the little boy's sides. "I have to go," he told him apologetically. 

Christopher looked surprised, then frowned. "Why?"

He looked down and struggled to find the right words.

Eddie came to his rescue. "Buck's mom needs help, so he has to go, little man."

"Okay," he sighed dejectedly.

Disappointing the kid was something that he never wanted to do. That was why he'd come here today, even though nobody would've blamed him if he hadn't. He'd come to love the little boy more than he'd anticipated, so watching his little face fall, watching him try to put on a brave smile, was so painful that he'd come close to saying screw it, and staying with Chris and Eddie. But then he felt Eddie squeeze his shoulder, and looked up at him to see he was smiling softly. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

"You know I want to be here more than anything, right, buddy?"

Christopher nodded.

Buck smiled at him, nudging his chin up with a finger. Christopher smiled, and Buck was relieved. "I'm sorry I won't go with you guys to get celebratory ice-cream, but I promise I'll take you out next time we're hanging out, okay?"

Christopher giggled. "I haven't won, Buck."

Buck waved him off. "But you will. Yours is easily the best project here."

The little boy smiled shyly, and Buck pulled him into a hug and kissed his head. "Good luck, kiddo."

"Thanks, Buck."

He stood up, clapped Eddie's shoulder, and then ruffled Christopher's hair. "Love you, kid. I'll see you two soon."

He only registered what he said when he saw the pleased look on Christopher's face and the shocked one on Eddie's, and by then, there was nothing he could do about it. Buck didn't know why the three of them had been surprised. He may not have ever said it outright to the kid, but he always thought it was common knowledge that he cared about him a lot.

He shrugged and put that thought to the back of his mind, deciding to act like it wasn't a big deal, even though he was a bit nervous about it. Mostly, he knew Eddie wouldn't have a problem with it, considering how close they'd been getting lately, but some part of him feared that Eddie, and by extension, Christopher, would pull away a little.

Once he got into his car, his thought turned to his mother. He'd been so blindsided by what Athena was telling him that he'd forgotten to ask for details.

He got to the station in record time, and an officer showed him the way to the holding cells with no fuss. His mother was sprawled out, eyes closed and head leaned back against the wall. He wanted nothing more than to turn back on his heels and go back to Eddie and Christopher, to put this all behind him.

"Hey, mom."

"Evan!" She sprang up from her seat on the bench and rushed closer. "How'd you know I was here?"

"A friend," he answered shortly. She nodded and her previous enthusiasm evaporated. "You wanna tell me why you thought starting a bar fight was a good idea?"

She shrugged but stayed quiet, her eyes locked onto his.

It pissed him off.

"Fine, whatever. I'm gonna bail you out, and then you're on-"

"_No_!"

To say he was shocked because of her outburst would be an understatement. She looked feral, eyes wild and hands wrapped around the bars in a tight grip. She even sounded terrified. It took her a few seconds, but she schooled her features into something resembling indifference. It was too late, though; he'd noticed, and now he had even more questions.

"Mom, what the hell is happening? Is this about dad? Did he- did he hurt you?"

She was confused for only a second, and then she seemed pissed. "Why would you think that?"

"He came to my apartment looking for you."

She sighed and shook her head. "That stupid man."

That was not what he expected. His mother almost sounded fond when talking about him, there was no fear or apprehension in her voice. In fact, she even seemed more relaxed. "So, you two really are back together?"

She nodded with a small smile, but didn't elaborate. Buck was actually thankful for that.

"If it's not him, then what's got you so messed up, huh? At least tell me that," he asked again for the umpteenth time.

She hesitated but ultimately said nothing. Buck scoffed and shook his head. "I'm bailing you out," he threw over his shoulder as he walked away.

"No, you're not," she called after him. "If you do, I'll do something worse than a bar fight, Evan."

He stopped dead in his tracks and started incredulously at her. "What?"

She jutted her chin out defiantly and locked eyes with him. "You heard me. And this time, who knows who will get hurt?"

She was talking about hurting people like it was child's play, and he couldn't wrap his head around it. He knew she was scared, but he also knew that she was very serious. 

His shoulders slumped in defeat and he shook his head at her, angry and sad and disappointed all at the same time. "I don't even know who you are anymore."

He didn't wait for her answer; he just turned around and left. Athena stopped him on the way out.

"Buck! You done already?"

"No." He laughed, a little hysterical, and threw his hands up. "She wouldn't let me bail her out. Threatened to do something worse that would land her back here."

Athena frowned. "Why is she doing this?"

"I don't know. And frankly, I don't care anymore, either. I'm done with them. They can all go to hell."

He stormed out of the station, ignoring Athena's calls for him to come back, got in his car and drove away. Every part of him was screaming at him to go back and get her out, sit her down and to somehow convince her to tell him everything, but Buck was exhausted, and he didn't think he had it in him to play her games anymore.

So, Buck had two choices now, he could either go back to the station and get her, or he could see what Eddie and Christopher were up to. He pulled over, took out his phone, and realized he had about a dozen texts from Eddie.

_Let me know how things go, okay?_

_Chris is really nervous_

_5 minutes till the results!!_

_Now I'm nervous_

_Christopher won!!_

A video and a couple of photos followed after that, and he couldn't help but smile at how happy the kid looked.

_Everything okay, man? Call or text when you can, will you?_

Buck leaned his head back onto the headrest and closed his eyes. He wanted to be with them more than anything right now. He wanted to forget about his mother and his father and whatever it was they'd gotten themselves into, and just be with Eddie and Christopher. But he couldn't go to them, not like this. He wasn't very good at pretending he was okay when he was anything but, and they would both see right through him, which wasn't something he wanted, because this was a special day for Chris, and it wasn't fair to turn it into something about him. So he settled for the next best thing.

Eddie answered on the third ring. "Buck, you okay?"

He cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm fine. Can I talk to Christopher?"

"He's in the bathroom, Buck. We just got home. Is everything okay?"

Buck shook his head and tried not to let the tears fall. "I just wanted to say congratulations to Christopher." His voice broke, and he cursed his inability to keep his emotions in check. "I'll call in a few minutes, then. Or maybe you can call me?"

"Buck, come over." The words, soft and filled with understanding, were nearly his undoing. He pulled the phone away from his ear and sniffed, then cleared his throat and brought the phone back to his ear. Eddie was still talking. "-tch a movie, what do you say, Buck?"

"I can't. Not today, Eddie." But he wanted to, so badly.

There were a few seconds of silence. "Will you at least tell me what's going on so I can stop worrying about you?"

"It's a long story."

"I've got time."

Buck smiled sadly. "No, you don't, Eddie. Go celebrate with Christopher. And quit worrying about me, I'll be fine."

"Buck-"

"I gotta go, Eddie. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

He hung up before the other man could say anything threw his phone on the passenger seat. He leaned his forehead on the steering wheel and tried to calm his racing thoughts. He wanted it to stop. He wanted everything to just stop, just a few moments of peace.

He sighed and started the car again, ignoring Eddie's calls even though it killed him. Reluctantly, he decided to go home because it was the best option for him right now.

He'd just gotten home when his phone rang. Athena.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Buckaroo. I need you to come to my house, alright?" Her voice was too controlled to be actually casual, and dread pooled in his stomach.

"Athena, what's going on?"

She was silent for a few seconds, then cleared her throat. "Just come to my house, would you? I don't want to tell you over the phone."

"Athena-"

"Don't argue with me, Buck," she told him sternly, and he did the only thing he could do and agreed.

When he got to Bobby and Athena's, he rang the doorbell and waited anxiously by the door. Athena answered and ushered him in. "What's going on, Athena? Is this about my mom? Is she okay?"

She put a hand on his shoulder, and it helped relax a little. "Your mother is alright. But she's in danger and she's not talking."

He scrubbed his face with both of his hands, tired. "What happened?"

"Someone tried to grab her. Luckily, whoever it was, was stupid enough to try to do it in front of a police station. And-"

"How did she get out?"

"Your father bailed her out."

"Is he here, too?" Buck was embarrassed by the obvious tremor in his voice. He looked down, even as he felt her eyes on him, watching him. Buck didn't wait for an answer and rested his weight against the wall, closing his eyes. "She didn't tell you who it might be?"

"She wouldn't say a thing. Even refused to stay at the station. Getting her here was the next best thing."

He straightened up and looked her in the eye. "I'm sorry."

She mock-glared at him. "Boy, you have nothing to be sorry for. None of this is your fault. And you're family, Buck, never forget that."

He smiled appreciatively. "Thank you."

"No problem. I figured maybe you should try to get her to talk before I gave it a shot."

He snorted. "She won't talk to me. I've been trying to get her to talk to me, but she just won't."

Athena pursed her lips, then shook her head with a sigh. "Well, why don't you just check on her for now? We'll figure everything else out later."

He surprised Athena and himself if he was honest, when he hugged her. "Thank you."

She patted his back lightly. "You're welcome."

His mother was in the living room, curled up on the couch, a mug of steaming liquid in her hand.

"Mom."

Her head shot up when she heard his voice, and she immediately put the mug on the table and nervously stood up. She looked small like that, with her arms hugging her torso. He crossed the distance between them and took her in his arms. It took her a good few seconds to hug him back, and when she did, he felt how badly she was shaking. He hugged her tighter. When he felt the wetness oh his shirt, he realized that she was crying quietly and he felt his own eyes burn with unshed tears. In that moment, he forgot that he was mad at her, he forgot that she lied to him and used him and hid things from him. In that moment, the one thing that mattered was that she was his mom and he'd almost lost her today.

He tightened his arms around her and squeezed her to him. "It's okay, mom. It's okay." He gently pushed her away, but not far. His hands settled on her shoulders and he bent down so that he was at eye level with her. "You ready to tell me what you've gotten yourself into now?"

She shook her head and he blew out a frustrated breath. "Why not, huh? Why won't you just tell me? You almost got kidnapped today, mom! Just tell me what's going on!"

"I'm trying to protect-," she abruptly clamped her mouth shut, her hands fisted by her side and her eyes wild.

They were both breathing heavily, staring at each other in stunned silence. Buck took a step closer to her and she took one back, shaking her head. "Mom, who-"

She turned on her heel and ran out into the patio. He made to follow her, but Athena put a hand on his arm. "What are you doing?"

"Buck, she won't talk to you. Let me try."

"Why would she talk to you and not me?"

"Because I'm a mother, too."

He snorted. It seemed like an insult to Athena to put her in the same league as his mom, and he told her as much. Her face softened with sympathy and she patted his cheek. "Sit down, drink some coffee and let me handle this."

He nodded quickly and watched her disappear after his mother. He sighed and rubbed his tired eyes, but listened to Athena and poured himself a cup of coffee. He sat at the table and put his head in his hands.

"You okay?"

He jumped at the unexpected voice and looked up to see May by the fridge. He smiled at the teenager. "Hey, May."

She grinned back. "Hi, Buck. Are you okay? Shouldn't you be at work?"

He shook his head soundlessly and hoped she didn't ask any more questions. He cleared his throat. "How's school?"

She shrugged. "Good. Biology project is kicking my ass, though."

He perked up. "Need any help with it?" Something distracting was the thing he needed right about now.

Her brows furrowed skeptically and he rolled his eyes. "I majored in biology, you know."

Her eyes widened. "Really?!"

He nodded with a grin. "Yep, wanted to be a doctor."

"What happened?"

"I realized I wouldn't be cut out for it."

"Why not?" She asked curiously, sitting down opposite him.

"Well, I- I don’t know. I guess I just realized I wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure of being responsible for someone's life, you know?"

She snorted. "Isn't that your job now?"

"Yeah, it is smartass. But first of all, it's not the same because I have the team with me and second of all, being a firefighter wasn’t my first choice; I was actually gonna be a SEAL, even finished the training. "

May's eyes widened. "Who knew your life was that exciting?"

Buck laughed. "Oh Yeah."

"Why was it even an option for you, though?" She asked, curious. When she noticed his raised eyebrows, she blushed and averted her eyes. "Sorry, I just- I don't see you as someone capable of- not that soldiers are-" she exclaimed, and he cut her off with a laugh.

"It's okay, May. I get what you meant. And you're right." He cleared his throat and contemplated not answering. But, May was a good kid, and he hadn't gotten to spend a lot of time with her one on one. It felt good to talk to her, easy even. She actually reminded him of Athena in that respect. "I was pretty lost back then. My dad- he wasn't a good father. But I remember how he used to tell me stories about his time in the navy, when I was little. The brotherhood. The purpose it gave him. At that time, I needed something like that, desperately."

"Why aren't you in the navy, then?"

"Apparently, I'm too emotional."

May nodded. "Makes sense."

Buck chuckled and shook his head. "Show me that project before I change my mind."

She laughed. "You wouldn't."

Buck smiled and watched her skip to her bedroom. 

The front door opened, and Bobby came in, calling out for Athena as he closed the door. Buck nervously wiped his hands on his jeans and stood up.

"Buck!" Bobby made a beeline for him and pulled him into a warm hug. He hadn't realized how much he needed it until he had Bobby's arms around him. "Hey, kid," the older man said quietly, his hand at the back of Buck's head.

"Hey," he chocked out, suddenly close to tears.

Bobby pulled away but kept a hand on his shoulder. "You okay? Athena told me what happened."

"Yeah, I'm fine."

He gave him a disapproving look. "Buck."

He shrugged helplessly. "I'm just worried about her, Bobby."

"Okay, well, she's with Athena now, right?"

Buck nodded.

"So, she's in good hands." He moved into the kitchen and started getting out pans and pots. "You're staying for dinner." His tone brooked no argument, and Buck didn't even try, he just got to work. May came out of her room a few minutes later, holding a stack of papers. Buck nodded at her to sit at the table, and then turned to Bobby.

"Hey, Bobby, I gotta help May with her project. You need anything before I go?"

Bobby shooed him out of the kitchen with a smile. "Nah, you go ahead. Dinner won't take long."

Buck nodded, washed his hands and sat down opposite an apprehensive May. "Thanks for this, Buck. I really need a high grade on this project."

Buck nodded and rubbed his hands together. "Let's see what we're working with, huh?"

.

He and May made good progress on her project before dinner, which was uneventful and surprisingly not awkward once they got the introductions out of the way.

Once they were all done, Buck started clearing up the dishes, along with Athena, who stopped him with a wave of her hand. "Me and Elaine have this, you two go out back." It wasn't a suggestion, and even his mom must have picked up on this because she agreed without protest.

He and Bobby took their drinks out to the patio and sat in comfortable silence.

Bobby was the one to break the silence. "Are you okay, Buck?"

Buck closed his eyes and took a sip of his beer, stalling. Bobby waited patiently and Buck knew he wouldn't be able to lie to the man, even though he wanted to.

"Buck."

He turned his head sideways and Bobby's face softened with concern. "You can talk to me, kid."

He looked down at his hands, a lump in his throat. "My dad-"

"Buck!" Athena called out from inside the house. He and Bobby exchanged a look, then they both got up and went inside. He stopped in his tracks once he understood what he was seeing. His mom was packing her meager belongings, obviously in a hurry, and Athena was standing by the door, presumably to block his mother's way.

"Mom."

"I have to go, Evan."

His shoulders slumped in defeat. "You're in danger. You can't be alone right now. Please, just stay."

She smiled at him. "I can't stay here, honey. And I won't be alone."

She was talking about his dad, Buck realized with a jolt. She walked over to him and put a hand to his cheek. He closed his eyes and tried to keep his anger, and his pain, in check. "He can't protect you."

"He can," she said with conviction.

"Why are you leaving me again?" Even to his own ears, he sounded like a scared little kid. And he was tired, so tired that he wanted nothing more than to be in his own bed, asleep and unaware of anything around him.

"I'm sorry about this, baby. I know it's not fair to you."

He laughed, hysterical. "That never stops you though, huh, mom?"

"I'm sorry," she repeated right before she headed for the door.

Athena stepped into her path. "Elaine, I know I can't stop you from leaving, but please reconsider this. You're putting yourself in too much risk."

"Look, he's been looking for me for three weeks now, he's worried sick. I need to see him."

He was stunned. He'd never seen his mother like this. He'd always thought she didn't love his father back, that she married him for his money, but from the way she was acting now, it seemed like she genuinely cared about him, genuinely loved him. It was a shock, and it made him wonder if what his father had told him, about Buck being the reason his mom left them, was true. The mere thought of it is like a vice around his heart, so he does his best to push it away and pretend it never existed. 

"So, tell him to come here," Bobby suggested.

Buck loved the man like a father, he really did, but he wanted to strangle him. Why on earth did he think that having him and his father under the same roof was a good idea?

"Bobby-"

"Would that be okay with you two?" His mother asked earnestly. Buck stared at her, completely taken aback. Earnest was not a word he thought he would ever use to describe his mother, since she was probably the most entitled person he knew. He didn't trust her, and he wondered if he was being overly paranoid and judgmental. 

Athena agreed readily and his mother called his father to ask, and he agreed. Buck had a sinking feeling that tonight would be one of the worst of his life if he didn't get out before his dad came. Decision made, he patted his pockets to make sure he had his things, but only found his wallet and his keys. He left them standing there, and went into the kitchen, searching frantically for his phone. When he didn't find it there, he all but ran out into the patio, desperately trying to find it, fast. "Goddamn it! Where is it?!"

"Buck!"

Buck ignored him and continued his search. Bobby came to stand in front of him, blocking his way, and Buck's attempts to get past him failed. "Bobby, please." He didn't know what he was asking of the man but Bobby seemed to understand something because his expression changed; sympathy replacing the confusion.

"Talk to me."

"I need to get out of here, before he gets here, okay? I can't- I don't want to-" He bent down, his hands braced against his knees, and tried to keep his breathing regular. A panic attack on top of everything that happened would be the icing on top of the cake. He used to have them as a kid, but after he'd left the house at the age of nineteen, they'd stopped. Now they seemed to be back with a vengeance, considering this was his third one in just the last week.

A hand on the nape of his neck was a comfort, and the gentle touch helped him breathe a little easier. "Buck, are you okay?"

He straightened up and slowly shook his head. "No, I'm not. I don't want to see him again, Bobby."

He could Bobby wanted to know more, but he thankfully didn't ask him to elaborate. "Okay. Okay, do you need me to drop you off at home?"

He shook his head. "No, I'm good to drive. I just need to get out of here. Thank you, though."

Bobby smiled. "I'll walk you out."

He took the lead and Buck followed him into the house. He ignored his mother, but he did hug Athena tightly. "Thank you," he told her quietly, his head buried in her shoulder.

She wrapped her arms around him and gave his shoulder a squeeze. "You don't have to thank me, kid."

He grinned at her and then without even a backward look at his mother, he was out the door, Bobby close behind.

"Forgetting something?"

He turned around to see Bobby waving his phone around and he rolled his eyes, though he couldn't help but grin. He took the phone and Bobby surprised him by pulling him into a warm hug. "I'm here, kid. And I want to help. I don't know what it is you're going through, but you can tell me anything."

Buck sniffled and tried to discreetly wipe away the tears that had escaped despite his efforts to keep them in check. "I know. I want to tell you, it's just not easy, Bobby." He pulled away from the older man and gave him a shaky smile. "Thank you."

"You-"

"I didn't expect to see you here, Evan."

Buck turned around slowly, and came face to face with his dad. He looked tired, but underneath that, there was a quiet anger that Buck knew was always simmering underneath his cold exterior. He wanted to run away, wanted to hide, but he stood his ground and ignored the instincts that told him to run. Running never did any good; it only ever delayed the inevitable.

His father stepped forward, closer and closer until he was standing right in front of Buck. He stuck his hand out, and Buck instinctively flinched and moved away. His father didn't pay him any attention, instead held his hand out for Bobby to shake. "David Buckley."

Bobby took the offered hand reluctantly, his eyes mostly on Buck, because he must have noticed his reaction. "Bobby Nash. You can go on in. Buck and I have some business to attend to."

"Leaving so soon, son?"

Buck clenched his fists and counted to ten. He knew that ignoring his father would piss him off more than anything else, so he kept his mouth shut and pretended he hadn't heard a thing.

Bobby guided him away from the house and into his car. Buck wasn't really paying attention, so he only noticed that he was in the passenger seat of his jeep when Bobby got into the driver's and started the car. "Bobby, what-"

"I'm taking you home."

Buck knew there was no use arguing, so he leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes. It took Bobby five minutes or so to finally break the silence, and when he did, Buck pretended to be asleep. He didn't know if Bobby believed him or not, but either way, he didn't try to talk to him again the whole ride home. He felt guilty for ignoring the man, but his desire to avoid talking about his father far outweighed the guilt.

When they got to his apartment, Bobby shook him awake and together they made their way in.

"I'll get you something to sleep in," he told Bobby quietly.

"No need, kid. I'll call for an uber."

Buck hung his head, ashamed and guilty to have caused him so much trouble. Bobby griped his chin in a gentle hold and only let go when their eyes were locked. "None of that, okay?"

"I'm sorry-"

"None of that," he repeated, emphasizing every word. "I want to help, in any way you'll let me, okay?"

Buck nodded. "You okay to be alone for the night? Or do you want me to stay?"

Buck knew he meant it, and if he was being honest with himself, he didn't want to be alone right now. It was very tempting to say yes, but he also knew Bobby was concerned about him, and that he meant he would ask questions and Buck would either have to lie to him and feel guilty or tell the truth and feel ashamed. Neither option seemed appealing, so he took the out Bobby gave him and nodded. "I'll be fine. I'll probably just sleep now."

"Alright." He turned to leave but hesitated by the door. "Buck, do you need a couple of days off?"

He was taken off guard by the question. "Bobby, I can do my job just fine. This won't affect it at all, I promise. "

The older man shook his head. "It's not about that. Just feels like you need some rest, some peace and quiet. Think about it, will you?"

He wanted to refuse right away, but something, he didn't know what, stopped him. So he just nodded. 

Bobby nodded and patted him on the shoulder. "Alright, kid, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Good night."

"Night, Bobby."

He'd barely settled on the couch with a beer when he heard the doorbell ring. He frowned and checked the time, eyes widening in surprise at how early it still was. Honestly, with everything that had happened, he'd assumed it was well past 10 PM, when in fact it wasn't even 9 yet.

He got up and slowly made his way to the door, hesitating before opening the door. He hoped it wasn't another unpleasant surprise.

"Eddie? Christopher? What are you guys doing here?"

Eddie gave him a look that screamed 'you know exactly why we're here', while Christopher just beamed at him. Buck opened the door wider and let them in.

Christopher didn't waste any time and started tugging at the bag in his father's hand. He put it on the ground and pulled out a little trophy, obviously proud. Buck crouched down and waited for the boy to reach him.

"Congratulations, little man, you absolutely deserve this. That project of yours was awesome. "

Christopher smiled shyly, and leaned into him. "Thanks, Bucky."

He kissed his head and looked up at Eddie, smile still firmly fixed on his face. It faltered, however, when he saw the look on the other man's face and realized he was actually mad at him.

"Daddy said we're having a sleepover. Can you make me pancakes again?"

His eyebrows shot up in surprise as his eyes volly-balled from Eddie to Christopher. "Sleepover?" He asked Eddie.

The other man nodded, leaving him no room for argument. Not that he would have argued, really. He loved having them here, and their presence instantly made things a little bit more bearable.

"Alright, Chris, what do you want to do? I'm assuming since this is a sleepover, you're allowed to stay up past your bedtime?" The question was for both of them, but he did linger on Eddie more.

"10:30," he answered and Buck and Chris shared a giddy smile.

"Plenty of time for a movie!" He said excitedly. "Hey, kiddo, why don't you go pick a movie, huh? I'll make some popcorn."

The little boy nodded enthusiastically and headed to the living room, leaving Eddie and Buck alone. They were just standing there, and honestly, the cool impassive look Eddie was pinning him with made him a little uncomfortable. After a few seconds, he decided to break the silence. "So," he dragged the word out, "you're mad at me."

"You're damn right I'm mad at you!"

Well, the cool, impassive look was gone now. Buck kind of wanted it back. Right now, Eddie looked both pissed and concerned, and that made Buck feel guilty for worrying him. He knew he should've called him back, or at least texted him, but he hadn't been in his right mind from the moment he found out his mother was in jail.

"I was worried sick, you know. I didn't know where you were, or where you could've gone. You didn't answer my calls or texts, I- I couldn't even go out and look for you because there was no one I could leave Christopher with."

His heart broke at the helplessness in Eddie's eyes and his voice. "I'm sorry."

His face softened as he looked at him with those warm brown eyes. "I don't want you to be sorry, Buck. I just need you to tell me you're okay."

And just like that, Buck couldn't keep it in any longer. Because he wasn't okay, and it wasn't just because his mother could've been kidnapped or worse, killed. It was Ben coming back and dragging him back into the past, it was his mother lying to him and using him, it was his father coming back and bringing back the feelings of worthlessness he thought he'd gotten past. It was the reminder that he was never good enough. He wasn't a good enough son to keep his mom from leaving, or getting her to stay. He wasn't a good enough son to earn his father's love or his approval. He wasn't good enough to stop Ben from choosing money over him. Buck was never good enough for anybody, and it hurt like hell. His hands shook and he turned on his heels and all but ran into the kitchen. He expected Eddie to follow him, but he didn't. Instead, when Buck turned around, he saw him talking to Christopher. His heart sank as he realized they were probably leaving now. He braced his hands on the counter and closed his eyes. "Buck?"

"Yeah?" His voice, like his hands, like his whole body, shook.

Eddie must have felt it too, because he turned him around right away. "Oh, Buck."

His bottom lip trembled and a tear fell. Eddie pursed his lips sympathetically, his hand a reassuring weight on his shoulder. 

Buck tried to subtly shift away from his touch. He was on the verge of yet another breakdown, something he was desperately trying to keep from happening, and Eddie's comfort, his touch, wasn't exactly making it easy for him to keep it together.

"I'm gonna make us popcorn." He was so surprised by the weakness of his voice that he froze. He sounded weak and shaky to his own ears, and he tried to ignore it, bury his head in the sand for as long as he could manage. "You want popcorn, too, right?"

Eddie came to stand beside him and gently extracted the pot out of his hands. Buck resisted, but ultimately gave it up. "Buck, stop for a minute and come here, will you?"

He refused to look at the other and moved away from him. He shook his head and scoffed. "I can't," he snapped. "Because if I do, then I'll think of my mom and the fact that there are people after her; I'll think of Ben and my father and I just- I want to spend tonight with you, and with Christopher, have some fun, okay?"

"Okay." Eddie walked towards him and he found himself engulfed in his best friend's arms. Eddie's embrace was warm, as always, and Buck found himself fighting back tears. Even though it was the last thing he wanted to do right now, he pulled away, rather abruptly if the frown on Eddie's face was an indication.

"Buck?"

"I can't-" He clamped a hand over his mouth and struggled to breathe properly. Eddie made to hug him again, but Buck stepped back. He laughed wetly.

"Buck-"

"I need to not cry again, okay? I'm so sick of crying, Eddie. If you hug me again, I'm gonna fucki-" his voice broke, but no tears escaped his welling eyes. He ignored the embarrassment that was rearing its ugly head in favor of trying to get Eddie to understand. "So just- forget about this, okay? Let's just watch the movie with Christopher. I need something normal, please."

"Okay." No protest, no judgment, just quiet and sympathetic. He really was lucky to have Eddie Diaz in his life.

So, they watched the movie. The next hour and a half were filled with laughter and teasing, and they were so blissfully normal that Buck actually managed to forget about his problems and just be present in the moment.

When the credits rolled, Buck chanced a look at Eddie and Christopher and was surprised when he saw they were both fast asleep. The little boy had rested his head on Buck's arm halfway through the movie, and that was how he'd dozed off, and he looked comfortable. Eddie, on the other hand, was all twisted up, head on the back of the couch, one arm on Christopher's stomach and the other on his lap. And he was snoring. Buck got up off the couch and gently extracted Chris from his father's grip, carrying the little boy up the stairs. He removed his glasses and put them on the nightstand, tucked him in and placed a quick kiss on his forehead.

He trudged down the stairs, rubbing his tired eyes. When he reached the living room, he saw Eddie was up. He yawned and rubbed a hand down his face. "Hey," he said quietly, not wanting to startle him.

Eddie smiled. "Hi. Is he asleep?"

"Yeah."

Buck all but threw himself down on the couch beside his best friend, and rested his head on the back of it. They lapsed into a comfortable silence, and Buck broke it a few seconds later. "You snore," he told him quietly, amusement evident.

Eddie spluttered, indignant. "So do you!" He fired back.

Buck rolled his eyes. "I do not."

"Yes, you do."

They eyed each other for a second, then dissolved into laughter.

"Hey," he said once their laughter died down. "Thank you."

"For what?" Eddie asked with a small smile, his eyebrows furrowed. 

"For being here, for having my back. You and Chris, having you two in my life is one of the few things that are keeping me going right now."

Eddie's face softened and the smile that appeared on his face knocked the breath out of him. He sat up and motioned for him to come closer. Buck complied and soon found himself wrapped in Eddie's arms again. This hug felt different, it was warm, yes, but it was also charged somehow. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, and it was probably their longest hug. When Buck pulled away, it was slow. His nose grazed Eddie's cheek, and his heart skipped a beat. Eddie's breath hitched and he turned his head, their lips now inches apart. It would be so easy to close the distance between them and kiss him, but Buck pulled away just as Eddie leaned in. Their lips brushed for all of one second, and it sent his heart into frenzy. Stopping himself from leaning back in, from kissing him until they were both breathless took a herculean effort, but he somehow managed it. They locked eyes for what could have been a second or a minute, both breathing heavily, before Buck broke the eye contact and closed his eyes, hanging his head.

He felt Eddie move away, putting space between them and he wanted to scream. "Eddie," he started, then opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to find the right words.

Eddie's face was blank, but Buck could tell there was a hint if hurt there, too, and it made Buck hate himself a little bit. He shook his head and started to get up. "I shouldn't have done that. I can go if you want me to."

Buck panicked and grabbed his hand, holding on tightly. "No, it's the farthest thing from what I want, Eddie. I want this," he told him, though the last part came out hesitant. He looked down at their intertwined hands and gave Eddie's hand a squeeze. "The thing is, I've- I want-" he broke off and closed his eyes. Now was not the time for him to lose his ability to speak.

"Buck, it's okay, you don't have to sugarcoat this. I get it; you don't feel the same way."

Buck stared at him incredulously. "Are you not listening?"

Eddie's eyebrows shot up. "You haven't exactly said anything, Buck."

"I want you. Is that clear enough for you?"

Eddie was so stunned he could do nothing more than nod his head slowly. Buck slid closer to him, still holding his hand. "My life is pretty much a mess right now, so starting something with you? It wouldn't be fair to you."

"Why wouldn't it be fair?"

Buck laughed without humor. "You're really asking me that?" He got up and started pacing. "My mom was almost kidnapped today. My dad is back, and at this point, I don't know if he's behind what's going on with my mom or if he's genuinely trying to help her. Oh, and let's not forget about my ex-boyfriend, whose last words to me were pretty fucking ominous." He finished his rant and stood in front of Eddie, probably looking unhinged. "Where am I supposed to fit being in a relationship in that mess, Eddie?"

He looked down at his clasped hands, but not before Buck saw the guilt and shame in his eyes. "You're right."

He knelt down in front of him. "This isn't a no, Eddie; it's a not yet. I want to do this right, okay?"

Eddie's eyes met his, and he hoped he could see how sincere he was. He searched his face and then slowly nodded. "Okay."

Buck put a hand on his forearm and squeezed. "It's not a no," he repeated a little desperately. He stood by his decision, but he was terrified that he'd missed his chance with Eddie.

The other man put a hand on his and smiled reassuringly. "Just not yet," he finished for him. "How do we do this, though?" Eddie asked with a laugh.

Buck knew what he meant. Before he knew Eddie felt the same way about him, it was somewhat easy to stop himself from acting on his feelings. Now though, it would be absolute torture to keep himself from him. He knew it was the right decision for both of them, knew if their relationship started now, it would be a disaster. He wouldn't be all in; his mind would be occupied with a million things. Like he told Eddie, it wouldn't be fair to either of them. Still, though, knowing it was the right thing didn't make it any easier.

"We act like we always did, I guess?"

Eddie laughed softly, and Buck grinned ruefully. "Think that'll work?"

He smirked. "It's been working so far."

Eddie's mouth hung open, and then he chuckled, shaking his head. "I guess we'll see, huh?"

"We'll see."

Eddie's hand settled on his cheek and he rubbed it softly. "Why don't you go to bed? You look tired."

He shook his head. "You're sleeping on the bed, Eddie."

"Nope, you are. No arguments. Plus, it's not like I'll be able to sleep now after that nap."

"You sure?"

Eddie nodded. "Yeah. Go on up."

"Okay." Buck pushed himself up, and Eddie's eyes followed him. Buck couldn't help it and bent down, kissing him on the cheek, dangerously close to his lips. Eddie's breath hitched, and when Buck straightened up, he glared at him playfully.

"_That_ wasn't fair, you know."

Buck just shrugged and grinned. "'Night, Eddie.”

"Goodnight, Buck."

............

When Eddie woke up the next day, it was quiet, which meant Christopher and Buck were still asleep. He hadn't gotten much sleep last night, too many thoughts whirring around in his head. He still couldn't believe that he'd actually made a move, something he had convinced himself he wouldn't do. What had happened after had caused a rollercoaster of emotions, but Eddie was glad that at least now, everything was out in the open. If he took a minute to be honest with himself, he’d admit he was a little frustrated that things were a little up in the air between them, but he also knew Buck was right. It was obviously something he'd thought about before, thoroughly, and it made Eddie immensely happy. Knowing that Buck cared about him, that he cherished what they could have in the future that much, was a new and very much welcome feeling. 

But that didn't mean it didn't drive him insane. To be so close and not kiss him would be much harder now than it had been before. Yesterday proved that. If one brush of their lips that lasted less than a second and one short kiss on the cheek had driven him insane with want, how was he supposed to handle everything else?

When it was obvious they weren't going to wake up on their own, he slowly made his way up the stairs to the loft, making as much noise as possible. He paused at the foot of the bed and smiled softly at the two. They were both on their sides, facing each other, and Christopher had his head buried in Buck's chest. Buck, for his part, had an arm thrown around the little boy's waist. The sight made him ache with want, but he pushed it down. He'd been doing it for a year now; he could very well do it for a few more weeks.

He patted his son's leg twice, calling out his name softly. Christopher, the angel he was, woke up without complaint. "Good morning, dad."

He ruffled his hair and smiled down at him. "Morning, buddy." He lifted the comforter off and watched as his son sat up and carefully made his way out of bed. "I'm gonna make us some breakfast, okay? I need you to be ready so we're not late for school."

"Can't Buck make breakfast?" His son asked with a wide grin.

Eddie glared at him and pushed him gently in the direction of the bathroom. "I can't believe I raised such an ungrateful young man!"

The little boy giggled. "Sorry, dad," he tossed over his shoulder before he closed the bathroom door with a soft click.

Eddie turned his attention to the man on the bed. Buck, apparently, slept like the dead. All that noise, and he hadn't moved a single muscle. Eddie got up and made his way around the bed, so that he was standing over him, and he took a moment to just watch him sleep. He looked peaceful, and painfully young. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling bold, and moved it down; tracing a line down his face. He stroked his cheek gently, once, then moved his hand down to rest on his shoulder. "Buck."

Nothing.

He squeezed his shoulder and was rewarded with a groan. "No," he grumbled, batting away his hand.

Eddie chuckled quietly. "Come on, get up. The kid wants you to make us breakfast."

He stubbornly kept his eyes shut. "You do it," he mumbled.

Eddie stifled a laugh. That sounded strangely domestic, and he let himself think, hope, that this might become their normal in the near future. Seeing Buck like this, soft and still not quite awake, first thing in the morning, taking turns to make breakfast, driving Christopher to school together. In that moment, he ached with how much he wanted it to be real now. 

"He wanted you to make it, Buck."

Buck groaned and sat up with some difficulty. He squinted at him. "Did you put him up to it?"

Eddie rolled his eyes at the overly suspicious question. "Nope. Guess you make a better breakfast than I do, man."

Buck smirked, smugness radiating off him in waves. It should be irritating, but all Eddie feels is the urge to kiss that smug smile off his face.

"Guess so."

.

After Breakfast, Eddie had urged him to talk to Bobby and take him up on the offer of a couple of off days. Buck had been hesitant, but he had to admit that it felt good to not have to worry about work on top of everything else.

"Chris, you ready?" Buck called out, grabbing his phone and his wallet. Buck had told Eddie he would drop off Chris and pick him up today since he was free and Eddie had agreed readily. Buck wondered if their decision to become more than friends would affect their relationship. He wasn’t naïve enough to believe the change would be easy on any of them; Buck just hoped it wouldn’t do any damage.

The kid came walking out of the kitchen, backpack slung over his shoulders and a smile plastered on his face. All the fear and anxiety bled out of him at the sight of that smile and he immediately smiled back and put a hand on his shoulder. "You sure you didn't forget anything?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Alright then, let's go- oh, wait, I forgot my phone." He smacked his forehead and the kid giggled. Buck mock-glared at him and made a beeline for the couch.

The doorbell rang and he frowned. He wasn't expecting anyone, and it couldn't possibly be Eddie, since he had already gone to work.

He hoped to god it wasn't his dad again.

"I'll get it!" Christopher called out.

"Kiddo, wait-"

"Buck!-"

His heart nearly beat out of his chest when he heard Christopher's frightened shout. Buck scrambled from his kneeling position and out into the hall where Christopher was.

Buck froze and he wanted to close his eyes and open them to find that this was all a nightmare. In his mind, that was the only explanation as to why Ben would be here, in his apartment, holding a gun to Christopher's head.

"Hiya, Evan. You and I need to have some things to talk about."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it took me three months to post this! I was just not satisfied with the story as a whole, and after re reading it, I realised I wanted to change so much about it...And that made me stop writing for a while, cause it felt like I wasn't writing well enough, you know? But I did write, and I will continue to write for this, because I really don't want to leave you guys hanging. 
> 
> I really hope you guys enjoy this, though <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,  
I'm really sorry for how long this took. you remember how I said I asn't satisfied with a few things and it was largely why I as being late with updates? Well, I finally did something about it! Chapters 3 and 4 have been modified a little (Check the end notes to know what changed) also, there is something in the end notes I hope you answer for me
> 
> thank you to everyone who still reads this thing, I appreciate you all so much!

Buck knew fear; and he knew it intimately. He'd had a gun pointed at him, a madman had blown up the firetruck he was in, he'd faced the very real possibility that he might die, or that he might never work again, multiple times. Facing dangers, disasters even, was literally in his job description. So, he knew fear.

Or at least, he thought he had. That was until he saw a gun pointed at Christopher's head. 

There was a split second of blind panic that swallowed him whole, and he felt his whole world stop for few seconds. He opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again, but only a strangled sound escaped his lips. He took a deep breath, held his hands up in a placating manner and tried again.

"Ben, let him go." His attempt at sounding calm and soothing was a failure. Ben smirked, but there was something wrong about it. Buck couldn't pin point what. And he wasn't going to try. Getting Christopher away from him was his priority; whatever made Ben do this didn't really matter. 

"Ben, please, just let him go," he begged him. Without meaning to, he stepped closer to them.

He realised his mistake when Ben pulled Christopher tighter against him and pressed the gun harder against the little boy's temple. "Don't come closer," he warned him. "Slide your phone over to me."

Buck did as he was told, then held his hands up higher, even backed away farther than he had to. "Okay, okay! Just- please don't hurt him. He has nothing to do with whatever this is."

"Buck," Christopher whispered, voice thick. It was obvious the little boy was trying to be brave. As much as he hated it, he was relieved. He didn't know what he would do if Christopher started crying right now. He focused on him and gave him what he hoped was a comforting smile. "It's gonna be okay, buddy."

Ben laughed and the sound sent a chill down Buck's spine. The older man sounded unhinged; almost feral. With the gun still pressed tightly to Christopher's head, Ben bent down closer to him and smirked. "No, it's not gonna be okay, buddy. Evan- Buck here is lying to you."

Ben turned his attention back to Buck. "You'r not gonna ask me why I'm doing this, /Buck/?"

"I don't care. Whatever you want, I'll give it to you, just please, let him go."

Ben cocked his head to the side and laughed. "Well, that was easy! But," he cleared his throat, "I'm gonna hold onto him a little more, if you don't mind."

Buck's nostrils flared. "Of course I fuc-" he stopped abruptly and clenched his teeth, then continued, "of course I mind, Ben. Now, tell me what you want."

"Your mother."

Buck reeled like he'd punched him. "What? My mom?! What the hell do you want with my mom, Ben?"

He closed his eyes, the muscles in his jaw ticking, and Buck knew he was well and truly angry. His eyes caught Christopher's and the terrified look in his eyes doubled the helplessness Buck was already feeling. The little boy cried out when the gun was pressed more forcefully to his temple.

Buck saw red. "Hey! That's enough. Let him go."

"That's not how it works, babe. You-"

"No." Buck stood his ground. "You want me to do anything for you, you let Christopher go."

His hands trembled with the rage that he was feeling, and Buck knew he had to get Christopher out of the way before he exploded. "Ben-"

"No! You don't make the rules, Evan. I do."

Buck held up his hands. "Ben, please, let him go. Look at him. He's so terrified. Please, just give him to me, okay? I'll help you. Whatever you need, I'll help you. You just need to let him go." 

He clenched his teeth and then shoved Christopher in his direction. Buck barely managed to get to him before he reached the ground. Christopher frantically clutched his shirt in his arms, hiding his face in Buck's chest as sobs wracked his small body. Buck tried his best to soothe him, to keep his own tears at bay. 

"Hey." He framed the little boy's face with his hands and smiled reassuringly. "You'r okay, buddy-" Buck ignored Ben's angry huff and kept his eyes on Christopher. "Everything's gonna be fine. You trust me, right?" 

Ben outright laughed, and Buck took a second to glare at him before he returned his attention to the little boy whose whole body was trembling, but was still trying to be brave. 

"Go sit on the couch, kid."

"No!" Ben shouted. In a matter of seconds, he had the gun pointed at the back of Christopher's head. "He stays right here."

Buck, without a moment's hesitation, pulled the little boy into his chest and moved sideways, moving him away from the gun. "Stop pointing the gun at him, Ben," he told him through gritted teeth.

Ben leaned down so close to his face that he could feel his breath on his cheek. "Stop telling me what to do," he whispered menacingly.

"Okay. Okay, just move away. Put the gun down. Please."

Ben did move, but not as far as he would've hoped. Buck pushed Christopher away gently and wiped the tears that had spilled onto his cheeks. "I want you to stay behind me, okay?" Christopher nodded. "I'm sorry, kid."

Christopher shook his head. "It's okay."

It's not, but he really loved the kid for saying that. He kissed his forehead and stood up, moving so that he was in front of the boy. He felt Christopher grip the sides of his shirt tightly and patted his hand reassuringly. 

"Ben, what do you want with my mom?"

"She tried to help me."

"I don't understand."

Ben exploded. "I don't fucking need you to understand!" He shouted. "I need you to tell me where Elaine is."

Christopher's grip tightened on him, and Buck could hear him crying softly. He wanted to comfort him so badly, but he knew he had to get to the bottom of this. "Are you going to hurt her?"

"That's none of your business. Tell me where she is."

Buck shook his head. "I can't. Not before you tell me what you plan to do with her."

Ben's eyes hardened, and he lifted the gun, pointing it at Buck's stomach, a little to the side. His heart dropped when he realized that this was approximately where Christopher's head is. "Here's the thing; I'm going to count to ten. If you don't tell me where Elaine is, I'm going to shoot you, and then I'm gonna shoot him. And you will have to watch as he slowly bleeds out on your floor."

Christopher's fingers were basically infused into his skin at this point, and he was sobbing pretty loudly. Buck didn't blame him, he wanted to do the same.

"Ten."

Buck's breathing quickened and he tried to think, to form some kind of plan. 

"Nine."

Christopher or his mother. That was the choice Buck had to make now. He closed his eyes. Think.

"Eight."

"I can't. Please, Ben. Don't make me-"

"Seven. Six. Five, Evan. You're running out of time. Four."

"Okay! Okay, I'll tell you. Just promise me you won't hurt her."

"Three." The click of the saftey lock echoed, and Buck flinched, involuntarilyvlutching Christophercloser. "Two."

"She's at Bobby's!" His shoulders slumped in defeat and tears sprung into his eyes. "Please, Ben, please, don't hurt her."

Ben paid him no mind, just took his cellphone out of his pocket. He called someone, holding the phone in one hand and the gun, still pointed at them, in another. 

"I know where she is." He told whoever was on the phone, and he sounded miserable; resigned. "What do you mean that wasn- I was told to find her, that's it." He scoffed angrily, turned around and drew his hand back as if he wanted to throw the phone at the wall, but he refrained. He pocketed his phone and turned back to them, eyes red and full of so much pain and anger. He breated in deeply. "Change of plans, you two are coming with me."

"No."

"Listen, I have had it up to here with all of you, do you understand me? I told you to come with me, it wasn't a suggestion!"

Buck stood firm, still keeping Christopher behind him. "He stays. I don't care what you do with me. Christopher stays here."

Ben shouted in frustration, his face red and eyes so angry that Buck was tempted to take what he said back. He held firm, though. He refused to let Christopher be in any more danger. When Ben started to pace frantically, waving the gun around, Buck knew he had to do something to calm him down.

Ben had never been violent with him, but Buck knew he had a temper. He'd seen him try to control his anger, but it always got the better of him. And the end results were almost always catastrophic. 

Buck knew how to calm him down, had been at one point the only person that could ever get through to him when he was in this state.

He untangled himself from Christopher's tight grip and pointed him in the direction of the livingroom couch, and the little boy did as he was told without protest.

Once he was sure Christopher was out of harm's way, he approached Ben slowly, making sure to leave some space between them. "Ben." The other man showed no indication that he heard him, and Buck bit back a curse. "Ben, listen to me. Hey, look at me!" 

Ben finally did look at him, his chest heaving with uncontrolled breaths. Buck locked eyes with him and moved closer, hands raised. "Tell me what's going on."

"I messed up, Evan. And I can't fix it; I can't fix any of it and everytime I do try, it just gets worse."

"Talk to me."

Ben sat down on the third step, gun pointed at the ground. Buck was aware that this situation needed to be handled delicately, because any wrong move could end in him or Christopher hurt or, god forbid, dead. "Hey, talk to me. Let me help you."

"There's no helping me anymore."

"Let me try, okay? Talk to me."

Ben took a deep, shaky breath. "About three years ago, I was approached by the CEO of Dermot Tech. He said he wanted to expand, mainly in the weapons tech. department. He wanted to merge with your father. The company was on the verge of bankruptcy, so your dad agreed to the merge."

Buck nodded, though he was confused as to why this was relevant to why they were here. But he let him talk, and did his best to listen. 

"At first, it was going well, but about a year ago, I noticed some discrepancies, some really shady stuff, so I looked into it and- God, it was stupid, but I confronted Ronald and he- I had to keep my mouth shut."

"Why?"

"He threatened my Kat, Evan. I'm the only one she has, so I couldn't tell your father, I couldn't go to the police. My hands were tied."

"What does this have to do with my mom?"

Ben smiled bitterly. "She was- when she and your father got back together, she invited me over for dinner a lot. We became really close."

Buck made a face and Ben laughed. For a second there, it felt like before; when they were happy, when they used to spend hours on their own just talking and laughing. Tears welled in his eyes and he willed them away. There was no use in crying over spilled milk. This Ben was a shadow of the one he had loved all those years ago, and Buck had let him go. Ben, unaware of the thoughts running around in his head, continued. "Not like that. She was like a mother to me. One night I got so drunk that I told her everything. And she-" Ben scrubbed a hand down his face. "She told your dad. They started digging up dirt on Ronald and they got close, they were so close. But he made them and now he wants them dead. And I have to be the one to kill them. I couldn't find Roland, but I knew Elaine would come to you."

Buck stiffened. "How?"

"That was her MO. She always came to you when she needed something."

He ignored the pain that caused. "Were you- Ben, were you watching me?" He meant stalking, but he knew he had to tread lightly. Ben said nothing and the implication of his response sent a shiver of fear down his spine.

Ben ignored him. He sniffed, tears leaking out of his eyes. "They have a target on their backs because they wanted to help me."

That was a knife to the heart. From what little he told him, Buck could see how much effort both his parents put into protecting Ben. They'd both stuck their necks out for him, because they cared about him. He'd always told himself that Elaine and David Buckley were just two people who weren't meant to be parents, who weren't cut out for it. But this was a glaring proof that the problem wasn't them. It was him.

Ben visibly pulled himself together. "So? Any ideas on how I can get myself out of this?" He asked sarcastically. 

"We can go to Athena. She's a cop, Ben. She can help."

"That's not an option."

"Ben-"

"No!" He was on his feet in an instant, gun pointed at his head faster than he could blink. 

"Bucky!"

He cursed. "Christopher, stay back, buddy. Please. "

He turned to look at him and his heart could burst with the amount of love he had for this brave little boy . "It's okay, kiddo. Go."

When he turned back around, Ben was looking at him with a strange expression. "You were always so good with kids," he said wistfully. "Kat loved you, you know. After yo- after I left you, she kept asking about you for months. That monster has my sister, and I'm gonna do anything I have to to get her back."

Buck watched in horror as the cold, angry look returned to his eyes, and knew this was it, there was no reasoning with him now. He pointed the gun back at Christopher's head. "You're both coming with me, or I shoot him right now."

They went with him. Buck carried Christopher and the boy's tight hold around his neck was tight to the point that it was uncomfortable. But he didn't mind, it was almost comforting, if he was being honest. When they got to the jeep, Buck settled Christopher in the back seat. His heart sank when Ben went in after him, wrapping an arm around the little boy's shoulder in a deceptively comforting embrace. "Ben, please just leave him alone. He's scared."

"No more talking, Evan. Drive."

So Buck drove. He took the long way to Bobby's house and tried desperately to find a way out of this. His first idea had been to just crash the car into a telephone pole or even a tree; but the only way that would've worked was if Ben had taken the passanger seat. Now, it would only put Christopher in even more danger, and that wasn't acceptable to Buck.

He'd always known he cared about the kid, but only now did he realize how much. Because Buck knew there was nothing he wouldn't do to protect the kid; case in point. Ben wanted to kill his mother, and probably his father too, and Buck was driving him to where they were. It wasn't that he didn't care about them; he just wasn't willing to do anything to jeopardize the kid's saftey. If Ben had threatened to shoot Buck, he probably would've let him in order to keep his parents safe. But Ben was smart, and he'd obviously done his homework. 

He was running out of time, and he could tell Ben was getting impatient. With his heart in his throat, he slowed down and parked in front of Bobby and Athena's home. He got out, and froze when he saw Bobby's car. The rush of fear he felt nearly brought him down to his knees. He fell against the car, struggling to catch his breath. Bobby wasn't supposed to be here. Bobby wasn't supposed to be in danger because of Buck's problems. 

"Move." Ben jabbed the gun in his back and pushed him forward. He nearly face-planted but managed to right himself at the last minute. 

"Could you let him stay in the car, at least?"

"No."

Buck carried Christopher again. "I want you to keep your eyes and ears closed, okay buddy?" He whispered in his ear, hugging him tight. Christopher nodded agaisnt his shoulder. "Promise me, kiddo. No matter what happens, you keep them closed."

"I promise," Christopher told him, voice muffed and thick with unshed tears. "You've been so brave, little man. I'm really sorry this happened, but everything's gonna be okay."

"Everything's gonna be okay," Christopher repeated. Buck kissed the side of his head, and when he finally reached the door, he rang the bell; panic clawing at his throat. Ben stood beside him, the gun digging into Buck's side now. It was a relief really; it meant the gun was at least not pointed at Christopher anymore. 

Bobby answered the door and smiled in surprise when he saw Buck and Christopher. It fell off his face when he noticed Ben and the gun he had pointed at Buck. The fear that settled on his face was heartbreaking, but there was a part of Buck, a small, needy, selfish part that was satisfied that someone cared about him, feared for his life. 

The older man opened the door wider and hed up his hands. He backed away from the door, and Buck followed him in. "You okay, Buck?"

He wasn't, but he couldn't say that, so he nodded. Christopher perked up when he heard Bobby's voice, but Buck gripped his neck and kept his face hidden in his shoulder. 

"Ben, right?" Bobby asked, voice even. Buck shook his head at him, trying to convey his need for Bobby to stay out of it. He didn't want Bobby involved because it only painted a target on his back. If Ben was willing to kill his parents, people he apparently cared about, then there was nothing to stop him from killing Bobby, a mere stranger. Buck didn't really know this Ben, he knew some parts of him, but not all of him, and that made him dangerous. 

They were now now in the open space of the living room, and he turned to Ben. "Can I set him down on the couch?" 

At Ben's nod, he set Christopher down. The little boy clung to him for an extra few seconds, but eventually pulled away. Buck held his small hands in his bigger ones and smiled gently, guiding them up to his ears. "Eyes and ears closed, " he reminded the boy. Christopher nodded and closed his eyes.

"Where are David and Elaine?" He heard Ben ask, and moved quickly over to them. 

"They went to the station with Athena," he answered calmly. 

"Bullshit!" Ben exclaimed. The weapon in his hand, which up to this point had been aimed on Buck, was now trained on Bobby. Buck saw red.

He stood in front of Bobby and glared at Ben. "Enough."

Bobby tried to push him to the side, but he was unmovable. "Ben, I promise you, they are not here," Bobby said calmly, though his hold on Buck's arms was tight enough to leave bruises.

"How do I know you're not lying?" He hissed.

"Because you're pointing the gun at him, and there's no way I would lie if there's a chance he could get hurt."

Ben's phone rang, and he took it out without taking his eyes off them. His eyes flickered to the phone and widened. Buck assumed it was Roland or someone connected to him. 

He held his head in his hands, the gun pointed upward and muttered a string of "no, no, no."

Buck felt helpless, and lost. He was at a standstill, and he didn't know what to do. He felt Bobby move from behind him and tried to keep him in place, but the older man didn't seem to care about what Buck wanted. Just as he settled his hand on his arm, they heard the front door open. 

Buck's head whipped to the side, and he cursed his parents' terrible timing. 

His mother's face went slack and her mouth hung open. "Benny? Honey, what's going on? Why do you have a gun?"

Ben's shoulders slumped and he moved toward her a step. The move seemed instinctive, and so was the way his mother opened her arms to him, a look of sorrow etched on her face. In that moment, Buck felt like a little boy. 

Did she ever look at me like that?

Did she even hug me when she first came? 

Why didn't she look at me once since she came in?

"Benny?"

"Ben, kiddo, you don't have to do this." His father told him gently. "I promised you I would help you deal with it, it's not too late."

Ben just shook his head and pointed the gun at his mother, his whole body shaking as he sobbed. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are, kid. I know. We'll fix this, okay? You're not alone." 

It was getting harder and harder to breathe for Buck, and all he wanted was to run away. Tears welled in his eyes as he watched his mother and father treat a stranger more like a son than they ever did him. It hurt. It hurt so much he could hardly breathe from the pain of it. He felt Bobby's hand squeeze his shoulder and turned to look at him. He found eyes filled with sadness and understanding and turned away quickly, embarrassed. He was embarrassed because he felt like a failure; that he wasn't enough for them. He knew he shouldn't feel that way, that it was irrational, but it didn't make the feeling go away. 

"-don't understand!" Ben was saying. "He has Kat. If I don't kill you, he'll kill her. She's my baby sister."

His mother's eyes welled with tears, so Buck averted his eyes. He took the opportunity to check on Christopher, and found him still in the same position he'd put him in; hands tight around his ears and his body hunched over. Buck resisted the urge to go sit beside and do the same.

"It's okay." He whipped his head in her direction so fast he heard a bone pop. "It's okay, honey. Do it."

"What? Mom, no." 

She didn't even look at him when she answered. "Stay out of this, Evan."

He took a step closer to her but stopped abruptly when she turned to glare at him. "I mean it."

"Benny, can they leave? Is that okay?"

"No! He'll call the cops," he said as he pointed at Bobby, who merely raised his arms in a non threatening manner.

"Listen, kid, we can help. If you explain things to Athena-"

Ben clenched his jaw and crossed the distance between him and Bobby, who had moved away from Buck while he'd been distracted. 

He didn't even think about it before he placed himself between them and shoved Ben away. "You don't point that at him again, do you understand me?" 

There was a stunned silence, and when he chanced a look at his parents, he saw that they were watching him; his mom with curiosity and his father with an air of disinterest that grated on his nerves.

David turned his eyes back to Ben and the disinterest was gone. "Ben. I have my people working 24/7 to find Kat. You don't have to do this. We'll do something," his father said, his hand on Elaine's arm, holding her in place. 

"He gave me six hours." Ben hissed at him. "Can you find her in six hours?" His father said nothing and Ben nodded.

His mother shook off his father's grip on her arm and stepped closer to Ben, held his shaking hand in hers and brought it to her chest, right where her heart should be. 

"Elaine, no-"

"Mom, please-"

She paid them no mind, and only had eyes for Ben. She smiled at him, gentle and kind and nodded. "It's okay, sweet boy, do it. I forgive you."

Buck staggered back, his chest tight and his breathing loud. Everything was foggy in that moment and he felt like he was drowning. Then there were arms around him. He heard shouts, and it was chaos for a few seconds before a single shot rang out. 

Buck couldn't comprehend what was happening , what he was seeing. But then he was pulled into a pair of comforting arms, and a warm hand settled at the nape of his neck, and he closed his eyes, lifted up his hands and pressed them tightly against his ears. 

And he let himself float away.

He hid in the safe place that was Bobby's arms and let the world around him fade into nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> about chapters 3 and 4, it would be better if you guys re read them, in case I forgot to add something, but just in case you can't or simply don't want to, here are the major changes:
> 
> in Chapter 3, the reason the firefam was there and the conversation Buck has with them are different and a bit more detailed. I changed this because it felt artificial and no one actually does that! I don't know what I was thinking, tbh.. you're saints for not saying anything about that.
> 
> in chapter 4, I added a bit of info to Buck's convo with May... turns out I posted an earlier draft and was too lazy to double check.. this one I changed because it also felt artaficial to me. I don't know if you guys noticed thos too or not, but I would love some feedback.
> 
> lastly, there's something really important I want to ask you guys... I read a post the other day that sort of upset me, and it's about replying to comments. you guys know AO3 counts the authors' replies as comments, and the ost said that authors who reply to everything were just after numbers. I used to reply to every comment as soon as it was posted because I wanted you guys to know how much every word (and emoji) means the world to me, but after I read this, I started lagging... for a period of time, I even contemplated not replying at all. I didn't like it. so, you, as readers and as authors, what do tyou think is more suitable:  
1) if I only reply to the comments with questions or those that I feel the need to respond to, OR  
2) if I reply to everyone?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is several months late and I- really have no excuse? I think I struggled with this because I didn't plan anything at all and there were several plot holes that hugged me. This chapter has been in my drafts for more than 2 months, and I really wanted to post the whole thing in one go but couldn't.
> 
> This doesn't tie up all the loose ends, but that will happen in the next chapter. 
> 
> One more thing! PLEASE READ THE END NOTE?
> 
> Happy Reading!!

When Buck stepped in front of a loaded gun to protect him, Bobby felt his world screech to a stop, and he froze. It wasn't in surprise; he knew Buck would stop at nothing to keep the people he loved safe in instances like this. No, what took him by surprise was just how much he cared about Buck. How much he wanted to protect him.

There was a paternal, instinctive need to protect him, and though he'd felt it before, he had never felt as desperate to keep him safe as badly as he did now.

Little by little, Booby saw little cracks in Buck's facade. Standing there, having to watch him crumble little by little with the weight of what was happening was slow torture. 

Bobby, if he was being honest, was confused about what was actually going on, but from the bits and pieces he did get, he understood that Buck's parents, along with Ben, were in way over their heads with dangerous people, and Buck and Christopher had been dragged into that for some reason. 

What surprised him, and what made him ache for Buck, was the way his parents treated Ben. The way David looked at him, the way Elaine spoke to him, the way she held his hand, the one that had held a gun to her son's head a few minutes ago, so softly as if it was a child's hand, and pointed it at her own chest like it was no big deal; it all pained him. Because he looked at Buck, and saw a little boy. A little boy who had just had the realization that he wasn't loved. Bobby wanted to turn him around, wrap his arms around him and shield him from the pain.

Elaine was still trying to soothe Ben, who was now openly sobbing, and that was when Bobby saw Athena. 

He didn't know how this would end, but he did know he didn't want Buck to see it. In a move so fast he surprised even himself, he pulled a shell-shocked Buck into his arms and cradled his head against his chest just as a shot rang out, followed closely by another one. 

Ben and Elaine both fell to the floor; Elaine with a gunshot to her shoulder and Ben with one to the chest. After that, it was a flurry of movement. Christopher screamed, David ran to Ben's side at Elaine's request and Athena went to Elaine's. Buck, who had snapped out of his trance by Christopher's scream, stumbled to his side, his eyes on the two people lying on the floor. 

He held the little boy tightly, a soothing hand running up and down his back, but he didn't say anything.

Bobby marveled at him.

It was no secret that Buck loved Christopher, but this level of dedication? He could've handed the boy off to him and checked on his mother, or taken a breather, but instead, he chose to take care of Christopher when he didn't even seem capable of taking care of himself. 

Bobby crouched down on Ben's other side. "Let me," he told David. The older man let go without a word, his bloodied hands shaking as they transferred to holding the younger man's hand. 

"I'm sorry, Dave," Ben sobbed. "Is Elaine okay?"

"She's gonna be fine, I promise you. So will Kat, kiddo. You just save your energy now."

Ben took a short gasping breath. "You- you have to take care of Kat for me, o-okay?"

"Ambulances are about three minutes out," Athena told them briskly, her hands on Elaine's shoulder. Bobby noticed Elaine was trying to get up, mumbling Ben's name as she did, and felt a surge of anger at the woman. She had been ready to sacrifice herself for the man who had shot her, but she hadn't even considered her son, who had been held at gunpoint, who had been betrayed and lied to, who had almost watched her die. 

"Captain Nash, let us take it from here," Taylor, a medic he recognized from another unit, told him with a hand on his arm. Bobby nodded and got up. He headed straight for Buck and noticed Athena doing the same.

"Shhh, it's okay, Chris." Buck was saying, his chin resting on top of the kid's head. His eyes were on his parents though. Bobby couldn't decipher the look on his face, but he could tell this was going to haunt him. Christopher, for his part, seemed calmer than Bobby expected him to be, and Bobby knew it had everything to do with the fact that Buck was holding him. Bobby stood beside the younger man and settled a comforting hand on his shoulder. 

"Is she gonna be okay?" Buck asked quietly, his eyes never straying from his mother's body. She'd stopped struggling at this point, probably due to the blood loss. 

Bobby didn't know what to say. Thankfully, Athena answered for him.

"She's gonna be just fine, Buck." 

He nodded and finally averted his eyes. He first looked up at Athena. "Thank you," he told her quietly. He took a deep breath and his whole body shuddered. "I'm really sorry about this, Athena. I-"

"Buck, you have nothing to be sorry for. I promise you."

Tears leaked out of his tired eyes and Bobby put a hand around his shoulders and tugged him into his side. "I put you all in danger. Any of you could have gotten hurt. I shouldn't have brought them here." Though his voice was slightly muffled by Bobby's shirt, they still heard him loud and clear. Bobby and Athena shared a look, and he could see in her eyes that she was angry. Not at Buck, of course, never at Buck. She was angry because this boy did not deserve what was happening to him. He didn't deserve to be broken down every time he managed to build himself up. 

  
Neither of them knew what to do, but Christopher didn't seem to have that problem. 

The kid had stopped crying a little after Buck had him in his arms, but he'd kept his head buried in Buck's shoulder, probably exhausted after what he went through today. But now, he was holding Buck's face in his hands and he had the most innocent smile on his face as he told Buck, "it's gonna be okay."

Buck laughed through the tears and put a hand over one of Christopher's. "Yeah?"

Chris nodded, so firm in his belief that even Bobby was convinced for a few seconds. 

Buck smiled. "And are you okay?"

Christopher nodded again and Buck held the little boy's head in his hands and then used the gentle grip to pull him into his arms again. He closed his eyes, kissed the side of his head, and took a deep breath.

Bobby wondered how in the midst of all this, Buck managed to smile, managed to hold the kid so gently.

He'd always known Buck was one of the good ones. He'd watched him grow for almost four years now and he still managed to surprise him with how good and kind and genuine he could be. Seeing him with Christopher now, it only confirmed what Bobby already knew about him. 

He and Athena shared another look over their heads, but this time, it was lighter. His wife had a small smile on her face and when they locked eyes, she raised an eyebrow. He was fluent enough in Athena speak to understand that look and he shrugged, not really having an answer. Buck and Christopher had always had something special, Eddie himself had once told him so, but lately, it felt like Buck's role in Christopher's life seemed less like 'dad's best friend'and more like a co-parent. Bobby didn't know what was going on between Eddie and Buck, and as long as they didn't let it affect their work, he was willing to let them figure it out on their own. 

"Captain Nash, we're all set to go," Taylor informed him, casting a worried look at Buck. He suddenly remembered that she and Buck were actually friends; had gone out to drinks together multiple times. He gave her a reassuring nod and she nodded back, shoulders relaxing a little.

Things moved very fast after that.

The paramedics loaded Ben and Elaine into two separate ambulances; David with Ben and Elaine alone. He had heard Athena ask Buck if he wanted to ride with his mother and his response had been a quick shake of the head and a tightening of his arms around Christopher. Bobby had offered to take the boy off him, but he had shaken his head again and climbed into the backseat of the car without so much as a word.

..  
.  
..

"Hey, Buck."

"Eddie," Buck whispered, his voice breaking on that single word. It made his skin crawl, and all he could think about was that day on the pier after the tsunami.

He tried to pull himself together enough to ask, "is it Christopher?"

"No!" Buck rushed to assure him. "No, he's fine, just a little shaken up. He's fine, Eddie, I swear. "

"Okay." Eddie blew out a breath and leaned back against the wall. "Okay. And you? Are you Alright? What's going on?"

"I-I don't even know, man. I just," he trailed off, sounding close to tears. "I just wanted to hear your voice."

Eddie wanted to be there with him with an intensity that scared him a little. Buck sounded broken, and he sounded beyond exhausted. "Buck, what happened?"

"You're gonna hate me," Buck whispered, his breath hitching.

Eddie scoffed. "Never. Tell me what happened."

"It's kind of a long story," came the wry reply.

"I've got time." He really didn't, considering he was still on call, but he wanted Buck to be able to talk to him if he needed to.

"I can't- Eddie, I can't right now."

"Okay. You don't have to, Buck," he assured him immediately, even though deep down, he desperately wanted to know what had happened. He trusted Buck, knew that if there was something really wrong, he would have told him. He listened to him breathe for a a few seconds, just to assure himself that he was actually alright.

"Can I talk to Christopher?"

"Sure, I'll wake him."

"No, don't! Let him sleep. I'll see if I can get someone to cover for me so I can come to you guys."

"I'm sorry," Buck told him miserably. 

"Hey, no, it's alright. I'm the only one of the team working right now, so I'm sure the chief could find someone to cover for me."

"What? Why are you working alone?" Eddie rolled his eyes at the worried tone. 

"Bobby talked to the chief and got us all two days off. You know we've been worked into the ground these past two weeks, and working while we're a man down would do a number on us, so we got days off."

"Oh," Eddie could tell from that one word that Buck was pleased, and he rolled his eyes fondly. "Wait, then why are you working?"

"Covering for Jason. His wife is sick."

"Oh man, yeah. I can't imagine what the guy is going theough right now."

Eddie frowned. "What?"

"You know she has cancer, right? They found out like two months after their baby girl was born. That's why he's been taking so many leaves."

Eddie wiped a hand down his face. "Jesus, I didn't know that. I thought she had the flu or something. How did you know?"

"He told me the other day." He said easily and Eddie smiled softly. Jason was the newest member in the 108 and was insanely private. Buck didn't know it, but he was probably the only person beside the chief and Jason's captain who knew about this. He'd talked to Jason's team and they all seemed under the impression that his wife had the flu and he took the time because there was no one to take of their baby.

"He hasn't told anyone."

"Huh." 

"Hey-" before he could continue, the sirens sounded and he cursed. "Buck, I gotta go. I'll call you, okay?"

"Yeah," he said faintly. "Be careful, will you?"

"Yeah. See you soon."  
..  
.  
..

"Hey, kid."

"Hey, Bobby."

Bobby sat down beside him. "You talk to Eddie yet?"

He closed his eyes and let out a shuddering breath. "I called him. Couldn't get the words out, though."

Bobby sighed, and it screamed disappointment. "Buck-"

"I know!" He snapped. He stood up from the chair and started pacing. "I know I needed to tell him that his son had a gun pointed to his head less than an hour ago, but god, Bobby, I can't. I can't tell him that I failed him again. Once was bad enough, but twice?" 

Bobby stood in his way. "I know what you're feeling right now," the older man, sorrow evident in his voice and his eyes. "But you have to know that neither times were your fault, Buck. And both times, you did your best to protect that boy with all that you had."

"Will Eddie see it that way, too?"

Bobby nodded. "He will. Just like he did the first time. He knows how much you love Christopher. We all do."

"Okay." Buck nodded. "Can I ask you for a favor, though?"

"Anything."

Buck smiled, a small grateful smile. "Will you tell him? I- I don't know how to."

"Yeah, of course. Why don't you catch up with Maddie and Christopher, huh? Grab a cup of coffee?"

"But-"

"I'll stay here, call you if there's any news on your mom."

"Thanks, Bobby. For everything. "

Bobby squeezed his neck and smiled. "No need to thank me, kid."  
..  
.  
..  
When he got back to the fire house, he found two missed calls from Bobby. Eddie frowned and called the man back wondering why he would be calling him. 

"Hello?"

"Hey, Bobby."

"Eddie, hey." He could hear movement, so he assumed Bobby was moving to somewhere more private. 

"You called?"

"Yeah. First of all, I need you to know Buck and Christopher are both alright, physically. " Eddie supposed his captain's tone was supposed to be soothing, but all he could think was that there was something really wrong here.

"Bobby, just tell me what's going on. I talked to Buck, but he just- he wouldn't tell me. I thought-" he didn't know what he thought, but now he regretted not pushing for more information.   


"I don't know much, but from what Buck told me, Ben was mixed up with some bad people, Buck's parents got involved to try to help him and-" Bobby stopped talking abruptly for a few seconds. 

"Bobby?"

"He showed up at Buck's with a gun. Threatened to shoot Christopher if Buck didn't tell him where Elaine was," Bobby told him quietly, and Eddie stopped breathing. Bobby was still talking, calling out his name, but he couldn't open his mouth, couldn't think of anything past the fact that his son had had a gun pointed at his head, and Buck had been forced to choose between the little boy and his own mother. He slid down the wall and sat down on the floor. 

"-ddie! Talk to me, come on."

"I'm here," he managed to say, sounding scared and weak. 

"Good," Bobby let out, relieved. "Listen, Buck and Christopher are fine, I promise you. But, we're at the hospital with Buck because Elaine was shot. Buck wanted to send Christopher home with me and Athena but the kid didn't want to leave him, so he's here."

Eddie closed his eyes and struggled to get up. "I'm coming." 

"Okay. Need me to call Hen to come get you?"

"No, it's fine. I'll be there in a few."

He hung up and took the steps two at a time. It didn't take long to convince Captain Levi to allow him to leave and Eddie nearly broke a dozen traffic laws to get to the hospital; to get to his boys.  
..  
.  
..  
Buck put his hand on the back of Christopher's chair and watched him play go fish with Maddie and Chim. He ignored the not so subtle looks they both kept giving him and tried to keep his breathing under control.

Just as he was about to snap at them both to stop looking at him, he heard his father call out Maddie's name. When he looked at his sister, he found that she was looking at him. He shrugged and looked down, not knowing what else to do. He heard the scrape of her chair across the floor and seconds later found himself enveloped in her arms. It was a brief hug that lasted seconds and ended with a kiss to his head, but it meant the world to him. 

"Maddie," his father said.

"What?" The tone of her voice surprised him, because he'd honestly never heard his sister sound so cold. 

"I just wanted to see how you were doing. I haven't had the chance to talk to you in a while."

"Yeah? You want to know how I'm doing, dad? I'm not doing so great. Do you wanna know why?" She was practically shouting now, and people were starting to notice and stare at them. 

His father let out a put upon sigh. "Yes, enlighten me, please."

Both Buck and Chim got up. "You gotta stay here, buddy, okay?" Buck told Christopher hurriedly. Chim got to Maddie, and Buck saw him put his hands on her shoulders. She shook him off gently and got in their father's face.

"I just found out that you abused my little brother," she hissed. "You threw him into- he could've- and then, instead of apologizing, instead of trying to do better by him, you sent him away!" She was so angry she could barely finish a sentence, but it wasn't hard to understand the gist of it, and he could see the shock on Chimney's face and god, did it make Buck feel ashamed. 

Buck didn't want Chim to hear this. He didn't want Christopher to hear this. And he wanted to put his hands to her mouth and stop the words, but he couldn't do that to her, and so he settled for tugging on her arm to get her to face him. He didn't want anyone to know, didn't want the pity and the questions. "Maddie-"

"You ran and told your sister like a little boy, huh?"

And Buck was furious, so absolutely furious he could barely see straight. He pushed it down though. "I'm not doing this with you now," he told him through gritted teeth, tugging on his sister's arm again. 

"Oh?" His father said mockingly. 

"What is wrong with you?" Maddie said, furious. "Are you seriously-"

"Maddie, that's enough. Please." She finally faced him and he saw her face soften. Her lips wobbled and she held his hand in both of hers. 

"Okay, Evan."

"Still too weak to fight your own battles, huh?"

And Buck, in that moment, lost control. There was only so much he could take before he broke. "Fuck you, _Dave_," he bellowed, deliberately using the name Ben had called him- and Ben was probably the only one allowed to call him that. 

"I'm your son. _I_ am your _son_. I'm twenty seven years old and I still, to this day, don't know what I did to make you hate me so much."

There was a hushed silence, which meant everyone in the cafeteria was probably listening, but Buck was beyond caring at this point. His father's mask of indifference was still firmly on, and it only served to fuel Buck's anger. "You're my father, and you've never once looked at me the way you looked at him today." He could barely get the words out, but he pushed on. By this point, people were slowly tickling out of the and he was beyond grateful. He could see Maddie was crying, Chimney's arms around her shoulders. He hoped Christopher was okay. "He was ready to kill her. He _shot_ her, and you still held his hand and stroked his hair and told him things would be okay. You never did that for me. Not even when I was laying down in a pool of my own blood, and wondering why my own father hated me so much-"

And that was it. His father just turned around and made his way out, leaving him speechless. Buck hadn't expected much out of him, not an acknowledgment and definitely not an apology. But he had expected something, any reaction would've been enough. 

So he stood there, looking at the door his father had just walked out of and tried desperately to not burst into tears like a toddler. His eyes caught movement from the side and he realized, to his shock, that it was Eddie with Christopher beside him. 

"When did you get here?" His voice broke, and with it his resolve to keep the tears at bay. Eddie crossed the distance between them and held him in arms. Buck's knees nearly buckled, but Eddie held him up and tightened his arms around him. He didn't say anything, only held him. "Eddie," Buck whispered brokenly.

Eddie stroked his hair with one hand and his back with the other. "I'm here. I'm right here."

"He just left."

"He doesn't deserve you."

Buck buried his face in Eddie's neck and clutched his shirt tightly. And he tried desperately to block out anything else. Being in Eddie's arms made it easy, because he was saftey and warmth and home all together. 

"Listen to me, Buck," Eddie told him, pushing him away gently. He didn't allow him to go far, however, as he put his hands on either side of Buck's neck and looked him in the eye. "You are not weak. You're kind and brave. You're a good man." He pulled him back into his embrace. "And you are so, so loved," he whispered in his ear, the words only meant for him.  
..  
.  
..  
"Hey, Buck?" Eddie called out softly. 

Buck startled and turned to look at him, distracted. Eddie tried his best to smile softly. "I need to take the kid home," he nodded at Christopher, who seemed to be playing another game of cards with Chimney. 

Buck immediately nodded. "Yeah, of course! Sorry I kept-"

"Don't," he cut him off. "I want to be here. I'd love to stay here. I just have to get him home."

Buck's face softened and he smiled softly. "I get it. Go."

He stood up. "Alright." He leant down and unthinkingly pressed a kiss to Buck's head. "Keep me updated?"

Buck swallowed thickly. "Yeah," he breathed out, his blue eyes wide and unblinking. 

"Chris," Eddie called out. "Time to go, buddy."

"Okay," his won said softly. Eddie watched him hug Maddie and Chim in goodbye, then walk towards him. He seemed to only have eyes for Buck as he ignored Eddie's outstretched hand and put a small hand on Buck's knee. The other man pulled his son up easily and seemed startled when the little boy hugged him tight. His shock wore off quickly and soon, he was returning the hug just as tightly, his head buried in Christopher's neck. 

Christopher whispered something in Buck's ear that had him smiling and Eddie found himself smiling, too. 

They were going to be okay. He would make sure of it.  
......  
.....  
Buck was already in the waiting room when his father sat down beside him. He didn't say anything, but just his proximity made Buck's skin crawl. And he wanted to run, to get as far away from him as possible. But a part of him wanted to stay. He hated himself a little bit for thinking that maybe this time, he would get an apology, or an acknowledgement, at least; anything but the indifferent dismissal he usually got. 

"We were never good parents to you, I know that," his father started, and Buck froze. He wondered if he was imagining this. "I was childish with how I handled you being born. You were never part of the plan and after you came along, Elaine didn't seem to have any time for me. So, I resented you. But I'm not the only reason we got to this point. You contributed to that, too."

Buck kept staring ahead and tried not to show how much the words hurt. 

"You and I, we never clicked. I tried to teach you sports, you were more interested in reading or playing with Maddie. I tried to teach you about cars, you were more interested in cooking with your mother. I think I finally realized you and I would never connect when I took you on that hunting trip, right before your mother left. You remember that?"

Buck flinched at the mention of that godawful trip. 

"You cried over that rabbit the whole day. I didn't know what to do with you."

"That was the first time you told me you were disappointed in me." Buck caught his eye. "I was six. I had just seen you shoot an innocent animal. You didn't even warn me," he told him, tone accusatory. "Was that the moment you decided to give up on me?" He sounded like a little kid to his own ears, and he hated how vulnerable it made him feel.

His father said nothing, but he did avert his eyes, and that was answer enough. 

"Tell me something, why did you offer Ben the job, ten years ago? And why did he take it?"

"That's not-"

"You owe me _this._"

David sighed and leaned back. "I overheard him arguing with his dad about leaving. I don't know if you know this, but his father disowned him when he found out about you two. Ben didn't care, though." David paused long enough to look him in the eye. "He really loved you, you know. And I exploited that. Convinced him it wasn't the right move for you, told him I would cut you off. Also reminded him that he might not see Kat for a long time if he left with you. It worked."

"Why?" Buck whispered brokenly. "You- why would you take away the one thing that made me happy?"

David shrugged. "I don't know." He was lying, Buck was certain. 

Buck scoffed. "It wasn't even about me, was it? You didn't want _him_ to leave. He liked sports. He went hunting with you. He was a good businessman, you knew it before even he did. He was the son you always wanted. That was it, wasn't it?"

Again, he was silent. 

Buck just nodded. "I'm going home."

His dad made a sound of protest. "You're leaving?" He asked incredulously. 

"I don't know why you're so surprised. There's nothing here for me anymore." 

....  
...  
..  
.  
Christopher didn't say anything on the way home. He refused to talk to Eddie after they got home, too. He didn't eat, either. Eddie tried not to push his son too much, but his unwillingness to talk about something that big was a concern. 

He agonized over what to do for the better part of an hour and eventually decided to book him an appointment with the child therapist who'd worked with him after the tsunami. 

Making a plan of action regarding Christopher made him breathe a little easier and he allowed his concern to shift to Buck.

Eddie, for the past few hours, had made sure to either call or text Buck regularly, but the other man seemed to be all talked out as he barely said two words to him when he called, and answered his texts with the bare minimum. 

Eddie thought he should stop, maybe give the man space, but his worry seemed to override his rationality every time.

He was sitting up in bed, scrolling through Facebook and Instagram to distract himself from the fact that Buck hadn't been answering his calls for the past two hours, when he heard the door to his bedroom creak. He leaned forward and saw Christopher hesitantly standing in the doorway. He flipped the edge of the comforter and patted the space beside him. Christopher walked carefully towards him, and when he got to the edge of the bed, Eddie lifted him up and onto the bed. He wrapped his arm around his son and leaned back against the headboard. "You okay, little man?"

"I can't sleep."

"Is it because of what happened?" Christopher didn't answer. "That must've been scary. Do you want to talk about it?" He probed, hoping to get his son to talk.

He crossed his fingers and hoped Chris would take him up on it. He didn't want to push him into talking about it if he wasn't ready, but he also didn't want him to bottle his feeling up.

"It's my fault."

Eddie sat up, and moved so that he was sitting in front of his son. "What? Kid, that was in no way your fault," he told him vehemently, holding his little hands in a tight, reassuring grip.

"It was," he insisted, eyes welling up with tears. 

"Can you tell me why you think it's your fault?"

"I didn't listen. You and Buck always told me to never open the door on my own and I didn't listen. I let the bad man in," he cried. 

Eddie wasted no time in hugging him close. "Just because you opened the door for him doesn't make it your fault, kid. He chose to point his gun at an innocent kid. He chose to hurt people. You're not responsible for that. And I bet from now on, you'll be more careful about opening the door before checking who's on the other side first, right?"

"Yeah. I promise," he said earnestly, nodding his head. Eddie pulled him back into his arms. "Dad?" Christopher said after a few seconds.

"Yeah?"

"Is Buck okay?"

Eddie tightened his arms around him and tried to think of a response. He wanted to say that Buck was alright, but Christopher was a smart kid and he'd witnessed what had been essentially Buck's breakdown. 

Eddie closed his eyes as Buck's words to his father echoed in his head. Hed never talked about his parents or his childhood, so Eddie had known it was less than ideal. But that? Eddie couldn't even think about it without wanting to throw up or punch someone; preferably David Buckley.

"Dad?"

He shook himself out of his thoughts and tightened his arms around Christopher. "He will be, kiddo. Both of you will be; I'll make sure of it."

Christopher yawned. "Okay," he answered sleepily. 

He was out before Eddie could ask him if he wanted to go to to his own bed or stay with him, so he decided it didn't hurt if he kept him close. It would probably keep the worst of the nightmares away, for both of them.

He put an arm under Christopher's head, then wrapped the other around him, bringing him closer. He then grabbed his phone, and after debating whether or not to call, he opened the messages instead.

_Hey, sorry I can't be there with you. I didn't want to call again because I got the feeling that you can't -or maybe don't?- want to talk right now, but I need you to remember that we all love you so much, Buck. And no matter what, you'll always have me in your corner. Always._

He closed his eyes for a second, only to open them when he heard the ping of a message. 

_Can I come over?_

His heart skipped a beat. _Yeah, of course. You good to drive? _

_Yeah._

_Good. See you soon_  
..  
.  
..  
*Two hours earlier*.  
..

.

..

He left the waiting room quickly after that, and was surprised when he saw his team waiting for him at the exit.

He stopped dead in his tracks and watched them. Maddie and Chimney were both leaning against each other, his arm around her shoulders and her head on his. Bobby and Athena were standing opposite them, with Hen making a full circle. They all seemed subdued, but they were waiting for him. Bobby, Athena and Hen had families waiting for them at home, yet they were still here for him. 

He walked over to them slowly and the smiles he recieved made all the pain more bearable. Hen was the first to greet him with a warm hug, and then Maddie took her place. He noticed the others move away to give them privacy and was grateful. She didn't let go for a long time. She stroked his hair and kissed the side of his head and squeezed so hard it was a little uncomfortable. He laughed softly. "I can't breathe, Mads."

She laughed wetly and loosened her arms a little bit and pulled back, keeping her arms loose around him. Her eyes roamed his face and then softened considerably at whatever she saw there. "I love you, little brother."

He sniffled, and tried to smile. "Love you, too."

"Screw them," she told him quietly, but fiercely. "You will always have me. And though I know you're an adult," here she rolled her eyes, causing him to laugh. "I want you to know I will be whatever you need. We won't need them if we have each other."

He nodded, and this time, smiling was easy. He hugged her again, the warmth of her embrace a momentary relief of the hell that he had been going through. 

He looked over her shoulder and let out a startled laugh. Hen and Chimney were bickering, and he'd looked up just in time to see Hen hit Chimney upside the head. Maddie let out a fond laugh as she looked over her shoulder and saw her boyfriend rubbing his head and glaring at Hen. Bobby and Athena were watching them; Athena with an exacerbated look on her face, and Bobby with a fond one on his. 

"We have them, too."

He looked down at his sister and nodded. "Yeah, we do."

His phone chimed with a message and he took it out to check.

Eddie's message brought a smile to his face. Ever since he had gone home about an hour or two ago, Eddie had called him maybe three times to check on him. Buck knew he wanted to stay with him, but he'd also known that Christopher needed his father after what happened. God, but the kid would be traumatized for life by what happened. Christopher had been in danger again, and it was because of Buck again. He wondered if Eddie would still trust him with the little boy. The thought made Buck feel sick. 

He pushed away the destructive thoughts and read the message again.

_We all love you so much._ Those were the words that stood out the most to him. He was loved. And, though the fact that his own parents didn't love him like they should, he knew that love of the family he had found for himself was enough.

Maddie was right; screw them.

Decision made, he typed out, 

_Can I come over?_

_Yeah, of course. You good to drive? _

He nudged Maddie, and at her questioning look, he smiled sheepishly. "Can you drive me to Eddie's?" Madie wiggled her eyebrows, and he rolled his eyes. When she nodded, he texted Eddie again and pocketed his phone. 

He and Maddie walked over to where the others were to say their goodbyes. Hen was the first to leave, then Chimney bid them goodbye and walked his sister to her car. That left Athena and Bobby with him. He turned to them and was at a loss for words. He honestly had no idea what to say to them. Should he thank them first, or should he apologize for drawing them into his mess when all they wanted was to help? 

"Oh, Buck." Her voice was warm, with a hint of admonishment there, and it felt like she just understood. She wrapped him in a tight, motherly hug.

"I'm really sorry for what happened, Arhena. I shouldn't have gotten you involved," he looked at her first, then Bobby. She held his face in her hands and looked less than impressed. 

"Listen to me, you have nothing to apologize for. And you didn't get me involved, I did that all on my own. You're family, you fool."

He nodded, though her grip on his face made it hard and she patted his chest before looking back at Bobby and seemingly having a conversation with him. "See you at home?" She asked after a few seconds of them just staring at each other, and Buck was confused.

"Bobby, I'm leaving. You don't have to stay."

Athena kissed Bobby's cheek and squeezed Buck's shoulder, then headed to the car. 

"Bobby?"

"I'm staying for now, Buck."

He frowned. "But why?I- I'm not staying, so why would you?"

The older man sighed. 

"You think I should stay," Buck said, guilty and pissed off at the same time. 

"No!" Bobby's hands rested on his shoulders and he shook him. "No. I would never want you to do something that would hurt you. I think you not staying here is the best thing for you right now. That's why_ I_'m staying."

Buck's eyebrowsscrunched in confusion. "I don't get it."

He smiled. "In a few minutes, once you're in the car, you'll start feeling guilty and you'll want to come back. Me staying here will hopefully give you a little peace of mind."

Buck swiped his hand across his eyes, wiping away the tears before they had a chance to run down his face. 

"Thank you. For everything, Bobby. I mean it."

Bobby smiled, and Buck felt a surge of love for this man who had done more for him than his own father had. 

"I know. Now go and get some rest. I'll be here, and I'll tell you if anything changes."

"Bobby," he called hesitantly after the man took a few steps towards the entrance. 

"Yeah?"

"My dad- he might say some things about me that-"

Bobby straightened up, and Buck's eyebrows flew into his hairline when the older man smirked. "Oh, he won't get to do any talking."

Buck watched, stunned, as he disappeared behind the hospital doors. He shook his head with a startled laugh and then headed for the car where his sister and Chimney were waiting. The windows were down and he could hear Maddie giggling. He rolled his eyes when he saw Chimney lean towards her and opened the car door abruptly. They sprang apart, and Maddie laughed at Chimney's groan. He returned Chimney's glare with an unimpressed look and shrugged. "I'm happy for you two, but that doesn't mean I wanna see-" he gestured vaguely at the both of them, "-that."

"Yeah, yeah."

Maddie turned around and looked at him. "You okay?"

Buck shrugged. "I guess? Are you?" Only when e asked the question did Buck realize that he hadn't been paying attention to his sister. He'd been so caught up in his own hurts that he hadn't thought to checkin with her. "I'm sorry I didn't ask before"

She reached out a hand and squeezed his. "I get it. There's only so much you can focus on. It's alright. I'm alright. You just take of yourself, okay?"  
..  
.  
..  
When Maddie and Chim dropped him off at Eddie's, Buck stood staring at the door for a solid minute. Now that he was here, doubts started to creep in and he found himself hesitating. Eddie and Christopher were probably exhausted, and Christopher needed his father now more than ever. Buck couldn't help but think it was selfish to disturb that and take up more of Eddie's time.

Fresh tears sprang to his eyes and he scrubbed them away harshly. God, he was so tired of crying; so tired of feeling lost and not knowing what to do or how to feel. He took a breath and sat on the front porch steps heavily. He stared out into the street and tried not to think; to just let himself be in the moment. What he got was only a few seconds of peace before it all came crashing down on him. His first love in critical condition. Both his parents not giving a damn about him, but fighting like hell for Ben. Knowing for sure that his and Maddie's mantra about their parents being incapable of loving anybody other than themselves and, occasionally, each other was simply not true anymore. Buck had thought that he knew his parents didn't love him. It was something he'd been sure he'd made peace with, but he knew now that he'd been only fooling himself. 

A hand on his shoulder startled him so badly he nearly face-planted in his haste to get away. Eddie, hand hovering in the space where Buck used to be, looked torn between being amused and worried. "You okay?"

Buck wasn't sure how to answer that. When Eddie's face softened, Buck looked away, not sure he could see the tender look on his face and not spill his guts right then and there. 

Eddie sighed. "Buck?" 

He swallowed and turned his gaze to him, and his shoulders slumped. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

Eddie patted the space beside him and held out a hand. "C'mere."

And Buck wasn't strong enough to resist that, so he took his hand and allowed him to pull him close. He let his head rest on the other man's shoulder and took slow, measured breaths. Not for the first time, he marveled at how being with Eddie felt like a shelter in the storm that was his life right now. He'd been a mess of emotions and wild thoughts just seconds ago, but now, with Eddie's arms around him, it was a little more bearable.

"You want to talk about happened?" Eddie asked quietly, his arms tight yet gentle around him. 

"No," Buck answered just as quietly. "Can we just stay like this for a little while?"

Buck felt him nod against his head and let out a relieved breath. "How's Chris?"

"He's alright. A little worried about you, though."

Buck laughed softly. "That kid is something else. He's okay, right?"

Eddie hesitated for long enough that Buck tensed and tried to pull away. Eddie didn't let him, so Buck settled for looking up at him from his place in the other man's arms. "Eddie."

"He's okay physically. He just- he blames himself because he opened the door even though we told him not to, before."

Buck was shaking his head before he even finished talking. "Is he awake? Can I talk to him?"

Eddie shook his head with a small smile. "No. I talked to him. Right now, you need to look after _you_, okay? Leave Christopher to me."

"But-"

"Buck, listen to me." He nodded and Eddie continued, "I need you take care of yourself, okay? I can't imagine what it must've been like for you; to have to watch Ben point a gun at Christopher, seeing Bobby in danger, seeing your mother get shot-" Eddie cut himself off, looking guilty. "What I mean is, you need to give yourself a break."

Buck nodded, then turned his face toward the street. And that was when it occurred to him that they were out in the open. "Hey, is this okay?"

Eddie frowned down at him, and Buck took the opportunity to pull away when his arms loosened around him. "What do you mean?"

He gestured around them. "This. Us, sitting here." Buck rolled his eyes when Eddie still looked confused. "I mean, anyone can see and I don't know if you're-"

Eddie tensed, then blinked as if in shock. "I- I honestly didn't even think about it," he told him quietly. 

Buck scooted away, then rested his back against the railing, facing Eddie. "We do need to talk about what happened last night, between us."

Eddie nodded and mirrored his position, though he looked more guarded now. "We do, just not now." He took a deep breath and then slid forward in a smooth motion. They sat there, barely an inch of space between them, and then Eddie tentatively took his hand in his. "Do you know how many times people mistaken us for a family when we go out? Or how many times my noisy neighbor, Mrs. Aldrich, asks about my handsome boy when I help her with her groceries? I've held onto these feelings for you for so long, Buck, and I've dealt with the panic and the embarrassment that came with the possibility that I fell for my straight bestfriend and I've prepared myself for the worst. My feelings aren't new for me, and I'm not gonna hide them now that I know you feel the same."

Buck smiled and leaned in, fully intending to kiss him. Eddie held his face inches away from his, and smiled at the groan of disapproval Buck let out. He pulled him in and planted a kiss on his cheek. Still holding his face in his hands, Eddie stroked his thumbs against his cheeks and returned his smile. "We need to wait. You told me your life is a mess, and that you didn't know how to fit a relationship in. That hasn't changed."

Buck laughed softly and dropped his forehead against Eddie's. "Eddie, at this point, I'm starting to believe my life will never not be messy."

"I don't want you to regret this."

Buck shook his head at him, a soft smile on his lips. "I could never regret you."

Eddie pulled him in and when their lips met, everything else fell away. There was nothing but this: Eddie's hands in his hair, his lips moving against his in a gentle kiss. Buck could tell from the somewhat tense shoulders under his hands that Eddie was struggling to hold himself back, and it was so inexplicably thrilling to know that this man could want him so much. Buck pulled away reluctantly to take in a lungful of air, and when Eddie chased his lips, he gave in with a laugh. Their second kiss was a little more heated, and Eddie's hands had gone from his hair to under his shirt, stroking his back in a way that had Buck arching into him, desperate for more. "Let's go inside before we give your neighbors a free-" Buck laughed as Eddie shut him up with another kiss. It was short, and rough, and Buck threw his reservations out the window. He pulled Eddie closer, his hands in constant motion because of how desperately he wanted to touch him everywhere all at once. Eddie pulled away, and Buck noted smugly that he was breathing heavily, like he'd run a marathon. "You want to go inside?"

Buck raised an eyebrow and Eddie rolled his eyes at him. 

"You must be starving. Need me to fix something up for you?"

His eyebrows climbed up even higher. "I don't think I want to go back to the hospital any time soon."

Eddie huffed and looked at him pointedly. "I'm not that bad," he protested.

"You really, really are."

"Fine, you can make your own sandwich then, see if I'll help."

"Was that supposed to be a threat?"

The glare he recieved would have been truly impressive if Eddie hadn't been holding back a smile at the time.  
..

.

..

Buck fell asleep halfway through the movie they were watching, his head cushioned on Eddie's shoulder. Eddie briefly contemplated waking him up, but decided against it since waking him up now would ensure he wouldn't go back to sleep for another few hours.

He rested his head on top of Buck's and continued to watch the movie, voice turned down low. He would go back to his own bed in a few minutes.

He ended up sleeping on the pullout couch beside Buck that night.  
.

When he woke up, the first thing Eddie registered was warmth. The second was the body draped over his. He smiled as he looked down at Buck's face, peaceful and relaxed. He shifted onto his side and tightened both his arms around Buck. 

He stayed like that for the next thirty minutes, until his bladder threatened to explode and he could no longer ignore it. 

Once in the bathroom, he decided to take a shower, and though he wasn't in there long, when he was out, Buck was no longer in his makeshift bed. 

He put on his clothes and followed the smell of pancakes all the way to the kitchen, stopping at the doorway to enjoy the sight of Buck, in the sleeveless shirt and shorts he'd borrowed last night, flipping pancakes expertly, curls wild and rumpled from sleep.

When he noticed him, Buck merely smiled. "Breakfast?"

Eddie grinned. "Yeah." He wanted to hug him, badly, and realized only a second later that he was allowed to now. He padded his way over to him and wrapped his arms around him from behind. Buck sank into the contact with a content sigh. He let go when the smell burning pancakes reached his nose and stifled a laugh at Buck's frantic attempts to save the charred pancake. He recieved a glare and held up his hands in surrender. Buck backed him into the counter and Eddie felt his heartbeat skyrocket in anticipation.

The clatter of crutches close to the kitchen had them springing apart and Eddie allowed himself a few seconds of disappointment before his son came in and he smiled automatically.

Eddie watched as Christopher's sullen mood transformed instantly when he saw Buck and his smile widened further. His son walked as fast his legs could carry him to where Buck was already crouched down, arms open slightly to hold the little boy. 

His heart ached as he watched them both cling to each other tightly. 

When Christopher pulled away, Eddie could see the sullen expression was back, and his heart sank.Buck seemed to reach the same conclusion because he didn't let the boy go far. He settled his hands on both his shoulders and ducked down to catch his eyes."How are you doing, kiddo?" 

Christopher kept looking at the ground. "I'm okay," he mumbled. 

Buck sat back on his haunches, and then folded his legs underneath him in a move that should have been awkward given his size and the tight space between the stove and the kitchen table, but ended up looking smooth and practiced. He pulled Christopher into his lap and hugged him close when he buried his face in his chest. "You know it's okay if you're not okay, right, kiddo?"

Christopher nodded wordlessly and Eddie and Buck shared a concerned look over his head. 

"Chris, can you look at me?"

Christopher did as he was told and Buck tenderly swept a hand under his eyes, wiping his tears away."It was scary, wasn't it?" 

Christopher's head shot up, and he stared at Buck with eyes wide as saucers. 

"I was terrified," Buck continued. "So, I can't imagine what that must've been like for you."

"It _was_ scary."

"Yeah."

Christopher sniffled, and it was heartbreaking to watch, but Eddie didn't step in, trusting that Buck would be able to handle it. "It was my fault. I let him in," his kid said, voice quiet and laced with regret.

Buck shook his head immediately. "Christopher, there is no way that was your fault. Wanna know why?"

Christopher nodded, hanging onto his every word. 

"Because I would have opened the door, too. Neither one of us had a way of knowing he had a gun. Yeah, you shouldn't open the door on your own before you know who's on the other side, but what happened wasn't your fault, kiddo."

"You promise?"

Buck nodded. "I promise."

"You don't hate me?"

Buck reeled back and made an incredulous noise. "I could never hate you, kid. I _love_ you."

Christopher buried his face in Buck's chest again and they stayed like that for a few minutes. Eddie moved closer and crouched down beside them, one hand on Buck's neck, and the other rubbing soothing circles on his son's back.

Buck looked at him with eyes full of unshed tears and leaned his forehead on Eddie's chest. Eddie ran his hand through Buck's hair and dropped a kiss on his head. 

They were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want you guys to, please, tell me something you'd like me to include in the next, and final, chapter- I'LL BE ADDING THEM ALL, somehow, as an apology for the delay. So please send me your suggestions?? And let me know what you think

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and let me know how you liked this.. 
> 
> A taste of Chapter 2:
> 
> Another person from Buck's past comes along, Eddie is jealous, Buck is jealous and Maddie is the best big sister ever.


End file.
